I Think My Cat Needs an Intervention

We're out of wet food.

I don't know how to explain it in "cat" in any other way but to say it to my cat in "human" and then make that "we're out of it and I don't know what to do" gesture (you know, the one where I shrug with my hands up by my shoulders) but we're out of wet food and that's just it. He doesn't understand this.

I'm not selfishly withholding! I'm doing the best I can. Really, cat. I am not the terrible person you think I am.

Because we do, still indeed, have food!! Yes, I realize that it is dry. Oh the horror.

Apparently now you're above that and it's just not good enough anymore. But that's not my fault. You have built yourself some ridiculously high standards. No, you won't be getting that silver platter and crystal cat food dish that you see on those wet cat food commercials (why do those commercial people put these crazy ideas in my cat's head anyway! I should write a letter...)

Yes, I see you strutting by me with your nose stuck up in the air, thinking, "How can you expect me to eat that?" And I see you throwing your body at my feet and trying to trip me when I open the pantry and the fridge. And when you invade my privacy by sticking your paws underneath the bathroom door. I know what you really want. You're not coming to say, "Hello, lovely cat owner!" You've got alterior motives. You're begging for wet food. And I shrug and tell you there is no wet food, but still you don't understand. Or you won't understand. And yes, there is a difference.

The thing is, the more my cat does this, the angrier I get.

He's begging but he already has food!

I feel like he's tugging at my shirt in the candy aisle. I've created a monster! I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that while I was opening that first can of wet food, I was really opening a giant can of worms. (Kind of like I wish "present me" would go back in time and tell me that getting the kids a free cookie at the bakery at the grocery store was a bad idea).

But I can't. Now I have a selfish begging cat (and children who beg for cookies when we pull into the grocery store parking lot).

My cat's attitude about dry food is completely out of control. I think I heard him start calling himself "The Situation."

Now, the drive to have him volunteer at a soup kitchen is overwhelming.

I want him to look outside and see the "have not" kitties and know that he has it real good. Even though I have considered leaving the door open for him a time or two. (He has a little bit of a temper.) But I don't. And we love him still. Sure, maybe he doesn't have wet food today (Oh, woe is me!), but he does have his own separate bathroom, a roof over his head, an abundant supply of (dry) food and water, loving toddler hands to pull his tail pet him and pet him and pet him, and I'm thinking he has it pretty good!

Now how do I explain this in "cat"?
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