My mind is swirling

There is so much going on in my head right now. Some of it is heavy, and some of it is not. Like when to put Poops in his big boy bed. He's still in a crib, but most of all I am salivating over redecorating his room in cars and trucks. (I've already bought some stuff for it -- nevermind the fact that he just turned two and I am frightened to death at the thought of his crawling out of bed at 3 a.m. and trying to go outside to play on his new slide. Nope, he's totally not ready for it yet. I was crazy to even think it. Glad I cleared that one up.)

But now that Mini is sleeping through the night and the newborn days are over (sadly or not--I haven't decided that yet) -- he is almost 5 months already! -- I feel myself thinking about what else I can do. I find myself thinking a lot about my life.

A close relative of mine had a mastectomy today. She is so strong. Sensitive, and strong; a wonderful combination. I love her so much and the idea that she now has to go through chemotherapy and radiation soon -- and that anyone has to go through it at all -- makes me ache for her, for them. I am praying for you.

My mother lives a constant battle with Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. Her hands blow up like softballs. Her body becomes one giant arthritic pain and she can't move. It comes on suddenly, without warning, and can last for weeks at a time. I ache for her too. I know how much it breaks her to have to put life on hold and sit in pain until it wears off. She's got the soul of a 25-year-old but her body just doesn't keep up sometimes. It's not fair.

I think about my life and all the things I want to do. I want to look back and say I did what I wanted to, every last little bit of it. I know so many people who are stuck. Life threw them a loop and they're in survival mode. That can happen to anyone, anytime. And it scares me.

I've been at home now for two years. Pregnant for about half of it. There are a zillion things I want to do, but when? And then there's the guilt...

I want to take graduate classes. I want to learn to play the guitar. I want to play softball again. I want to open a tea room with my mother. I want to travel. I want to take an acting class and have a part in a play. I want to take a photography class (and own a beautiful Nikon). I want to get in shape. I want to finish writing one of my books. I want to make care packages for women whose babies are in the NICU. I want to get back to work as a freelance journalist, which I've put on hold since just before Mini was born. I want to see a shuttle lift-off before they are all done.

I love being a mom. But I love being a woman and an individual. Having goals. Doing things. Enriching myself. Making myself a better person, a better wife, a better mother. We can have it all, can't we? When does time start to run out? Is it running out now?

But as I go over my life to-do list, I get lost in the guilt of the when and the how, and the where to start. My life is like a house that is a giant cluttery mess and I can't figure out how to get it organized. Growing up was easy because there was always a direction. OK, first, get through school. Then get through college. Then, get your first job. And your next job. But after that, you're all growed up, you can get married, or not, go back to school, get into another career, have kids, stay home, or not; at this point in life, the road stops and a million little forks open up and that's the hard part. Trying to figure out what direction to go in next.

You don't want to waste too much time, though. Because you want to be sure to hit all those other stops. And if you make a wrong turn, you may have missed one of the stops completely. Not to mention if life throws you a loop and puts everything at a halt...

I think about the fact that in ten years, I will remember the time that I sat here writing this, wondering about what my life will be like -- how it would have turned out so far. I'll think back and say, like I do so many times now, boy I wish I'd have known then what I know now. And I'd know how far I actually got on that list -- which grows longer by the day, by the way.

I also remember all the days I was wishing for more sleep, and here it is, 1 in the morning and I am blogging instead of sleeping. Back then, I'd have called myself a jackass for missing out on all that sleep. So I'll stop rambling now. Goodnight. I may just have to figure out my life some other day.


  1. You could have taken the words right out of my mouth. I was about to blog about this as well.. about how I'd like to go back to school, travel, work, pursue my own interests and hobbies outside of being a mother. But when? And how? And oh, the guilt.. always the guilt.

  2. Hugs! We need hugs, STAT! I love you!

  3. It feels like we are in a constant state of flux doesn't it? We want to be home with the babies so we don't miss anything but we also long for something that is our own. I think that's why so many women do marathons now. We are over achievers and we need to do "something".
    I too have a list as long as my arm of things I want to accomplish. I don't have any words of wisdom for you on this, I just wanted you to know that aren't alone. HUGS to you!!

  4. I feel for you. There are days when I think about my wish list and wonder when will there be time; and there are other days when I look at my children and think about how fast they grow and how much I would miss if I were off doing my own thing. I want it all, but right now my all is my children. Maybe someday...


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