I need to write some letters, but I don't have the time or the patience to actually find e-mail addresses, snail mail addresses, print it out, find a pen, stuff envelopes, buy stamps and/or translate the English language into "Cat". So here are my letters and I hope they find their way to their intended addressees one day.

Dear Crest Pro Health:
There is toothpaste in the luggage. Toothpaste is now the new liner to my bathroom drawer. I fight with your cap that refuses to shut on top of your toothpaste daily x's however many times my husband and I brush on any given day or more if garlic is involved. Is this a clever way to make me buy toothpaste quicker? Please advise.

Dear kitty cat:
After two years, elderly kitty cat is still not responding to your advances. Should I translate the terrible growls that I hear coming from her whilst you're advancing? You're like one of those hairy, cologned-up guys at a cheesy dance club that won't get the message. Ps. Thanks for not pooping in my bed when I forgot you were in my bedroom and left you in there for an hour.

Dear roots:
Hang in there. Just over two weeks left.

Dear colds that the children have:
You're not just annoying to them. You're killing me! I need to get out of the house! I need to Christmas shop! You're ruining my plan to be done by two weeks before Christmas.

Dear self:
I know it's difficult being the fourth day of children trapped inside the houses with colds and all.But I'm glad you refrained from saying that the noise your 3 year old was complaining about at 5 in the morning was a bird that eats small children who keep getting out of their bed.

Dear clutter:
Where do I start? You overwhelm me. Please grow legs and walk yourselves to the neighbors. Don't make me beg.

Dear time:
If you could multiply by a thousand when the kids go to bed so that I might get everything I need to get done, Christmas Cards, lists, shopping, cleaning, decluttering, blogging, home improvement projects left from 2008 that I am panicking about seeing in 2010, and still have some left over to relax with a glass of wine, I'd sure appreciate it. I won't even require a Christmas gift if you could do that.

Dear self (again):
I know you want to buy the whole family Christmas sweaters to wear in your family Christmas pictures on Sunday. But only you will know it's a joke and think it's funny. Everyone else will think you're a cheesy dork who went to the dark side. Don't do it.

Dear computer charger:
I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the constant torture by my children. I hope you are in a better place. Meantime, can you send me one of your friends as a replacement? I have 68 percent left...

Dear Unnamed Professional Golfer:
Wow. Really?

Sorry. I had to get that one in there. OK that's all, I think. Feel free to send a letter in the comments!
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