Death Rug

My heart goes all a-flutter when I see that little red "clearance" tag. I get so excited. If I am alone I might jump up and down. I squeal a little and get all giddy.

I mean seriously, don't you? How could you not?? It's the most amazing feeling ever! Leaving a store knowing you scored huge! It's so triumphant! I totally rock! No one got the deal I just got!! Plus, I can actually tell my husband about my most recent acquisition and feel all validated about acquiring it because it was on clearance! That makes everything ok! (Not that I keep things from him or anything...)

But then unfortunately there's the dark side of the clearance tag.

The clearance that actually means, "This is on clearance for a reason." You see, they leave those last few words off the tag. Because it's not always clear when you buy it if that's the case or not! It's not clear until you get home and you live with this delicious little clearance item for a few hours, even a few days, and then something happens with it to make you realize it was, indeed, on clearance for a reason and your dreams shatter! And I hate that moment of realization. It makes me sad. Because then you realized you were tricked. And you can't even return it! It was on clearance! That's the "clearance" understanding you have with the store! No returns! No refunds! Bastards.

So then of course you become jaded and skeptical about future clearance tags. And you also become well-versed in the "clearance risk taking." Like you learn that there is a clearance rack at a certain Bed and Bath store where everything's broken. You pretty much know what you're gonna get there. Good luck with that.

Then there are the items that go on sale because maybe the packaging changed! There is nothing actually wrong with the product! Which is the deal you really wanna score because that's the super-deal. But you never ever know. I wish I could at least ask. Or that maybe there were, in a perfect world, a sticker that told you why, like a sticker that said, "discontinued because it turns out this item sucks so go ahead, take your chances." Or something like that.

But still, so often I am blinded by that little red devil-tag. Most recently by the cute little kitchen carpet I bought for the floor in front of my sink, a place that always gets wet along with that part of my shirt that's the height of the counter. It was a beautiful, tiny little kitchen carpet with bright reds and pinks and cutenesses! Which unfortunately within mere hours of my putting it in its new spot, my husband caught the corner of it and went sliding across the kitchen, subsequently gathering his composure then angrily nicknaming it "Death Rug" and banishing it to the laundry room for fear that someone will eventually slide to their death. Purchased for $6. On clearance. Of course.

Why couldn't they just tell me it was "Death Rug" and been done with it!
Then of course, there was the cute little collection of tiny Transformers which I thought would be a perfect way to introduce my 4 year old to the world of Transformers that he has already been drooling over in his little-boy-that-loves-cars-AND-robots-and-holy-moly-there-are-things-that-are-CARS-AND-ROBOTS-IN-ONE??- type of way.

Biggest waste of 4 dollars ever. EVER!

You might imagine how my heart might break over the loss of a $6 rug, but imagine the broken heart of a 4-year-old who tragically cannot get a tiny Transformer to actually transform without legs or arms breaking off or when it does transform, refuses to actually stay in the transformed position. Basically, always looking broken no matter what you do. Not looking like a car, not looking like a robot, not looking like anything but a bunch of weird robotty arms and legs and a random robot head. Oh, how he would cry! He would pout. "It's not working!" he would yell and then ROAR before tossing it across the room. Totally not worth the $4. Not worth it at all.

In fact, if I think about all the clearance items I have bought which have actually sucked, I probably could have added them all up to get at least one decent non-clearanced -- yet totally working -- item. It's true that I have gotten some awesome deals on things bearing that shiny red little sticker, but I'd say it's only about a 50-50 shot.

Because two weeks ago, I also invested in a shiny lip-plumper lip-gloss on 90% off. 90%!!! It was like a dollar each or something! So I loaded up! I got every color! And I already have a lip-plumper lip-gloss from this exact brand, the only difference was the shape of the little tubey thingy. So how could I go wrong!

I was so excited about this lipgloss, I ripped the package open in the car! 90% off of lipgloss!!! I am the person who will buy a $25 lip-plumper lipgloss. Seriously, nothing makes me feel more glamorous than tingly lipgloss and I don't even care what I'm wearing. I could be wearing my holey pajamas but gosh darnit when I have that lipgloss on, I am MARILYN MONROE!

I put this little tube of love on my lips and gagged to death. It was a horrible cinnamon taste and I CANNOT have cinnamon from gum or a lipgloss because of a knock-off Goldschlager incident in the 90's. Don't tell my parents. Not only did it taste like cinnamon in an overpowering way, but it also had the audacity to bully me with its awful cinnamon-ey odor! For hours!


No wonder it was on clearance! The lady at the checkout counter was probably laughing her ass off as I giddily picked up my shopping bag and rushed out to the car to try it on. She knew the truth. I just know it.

Well, now I have 6 tubes of cinnamon lipgloss and a bunch of crappy Transformers and one cute rug that tried to kill my husband. I did bite the bullet to ressurrect the rug by putting one of those non-slip jobbers underneath it. But purchasing that for $6 has now made my rug cost $12, and if it kills someone now, it will so not be worth it.
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