I had a nightmare last week. I dreamt that it was triathlon day and that when I went to check in, not only was I late but I had not even registered. The race had started and I was standing at the table and the guy couldn't find my name. Then I realized I had forgotten my bike. So I was on the phone calling my husband to bring it from home. It was an awful, panicky feeling and it woke me up.
What does it all mean? I don't know. I think I am very nervous.
But I don't think I had the dream because I don't believe I'm ready. I really think I am pretty darn close. Everything is starting to require less effort. Which is good news and feels really good. When there once was a workout I was doing that I used to have to gut through, now I am breezing. But then I get worried that I am not working hard enough.
What a head case, I know.
And all week last week I found myself thinking with each stroke or with each pedal or with each rep, someone, somewhere, right now, is working harder than I am.
For some reason, I cannot stop thinking about that.
It pushes me.
When I picture someone else sweating harder, using more resistance, going faster, it makes me want to try harder. It fuels my fire and gives me that little push, kind of like a mental energy gel.
I am in no way going to actually be "competitive" in this race, but there are plenty of people who are. Sure, some people are just built for this and have been doing this their whole lives. But others had to start somewhere. Maybe even right where I am now. Who knows. All I know is that it requires work. And if I'm going to bother to put in the time, I may as well bother to work hard. As hard as I think someone else is working. Or harder.
Because they (whoever they are) didn't get where they are by only kindof trying.
Did you ever know the guy or the girl who only ate chicken breast and spinach for every meal and refused to eat at any birthday party or function brought their boiled chicken to work and had no qualms about it? Because they were training for something or busy getting buff? I've known a few of these. And not that I want to or will eat chicken and spinach every meal, but there is something to be said for their level of dedication. Though I cannot function by eating the same thing day in and day out, I do believe that through calorie counting, I can have my cake and eat it too. Literally. While trying to remain dedicated and motivated. Because it is the idea of not wanting to do all the work just to ruin it in one huge gorge, that allows me to say no to big portions, to the whole dessert.
At least lately.
And it's on every level. We see it in The Biggest Loser every season. You look across the gym or the bikes in spin class and you see people pushing themselves.
Someone is always working harder.
Remember that. No matter what you're doing, someone is doing it harder. Faster. Better.
So rather than fold under that pressure because I don't think I'm good enough, I'd rather pretend that I'm at least trying to keep up. Or even better, that they're trying to keep up with me.
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