I got to thinkin' bout our Halloween candy and the ways in which it has fattened me over the past couple a days (mostly because I have no self control) but for all intents and purposes, I'm gonna blame it on the candy and food-centered holidays and not the fact that I can't keep my piehole shut and/or stop my arms from rummaging around in the candy buckets. Right now they are sitting, still in their individual Elmo and Batman buckets, on top of the washer and dryer, completely out of sight and I am one day strong of being "candy-free" as a human being. I am pretty sure the kids have actually forgotten about it because there was no mention of the candy yesterday at all. Not once. So. I'm gonna go with that.
Darn you, candy!
And because candy has no feelings, I'm not going to feel bad about talking about ways to dispose of its chocolate butterfingery goodness. I started by googling 'What to do with Halloween candy', and got things like donate it, make a candy outfit (??) melt it, use it for recycling, BORING! I needed some creative sendoffs. Some serious adios! So here's a couple a ways I'd like to avenge myself. And ps. there is a protrusion in the shape of a Butterfinger on my hind quarter and if you look really closely, you can see the lettering. Darn you candy! Ok the list.
1. Stuff it all into the soggy decaying pumpkin family that we carved earlier this week that is oozing down my front wall.
2. Then launch the nasty candy-filled pumpkins using my medieval catapult that I (don't) have in my backyard into the farm behind me, the one who lets his poison ivy plants drape all down my fence in the back.
3. Put on my helmet and roll over it with my Razr scooter.
4. Tape it up, put it in my trunk (or the back of my minivan but that doesn't really work in this scenario), drive it out to the desert and drop it off, blindfolded, with a map, and dare it to find its way back to me.
5. Use it for batting practice.
6. Line it all up in front of the tv, make it watch a Bonanza marathon, then send it off in my (non-existent) potato shooter.
7. Tape one piece to the back of every runner in Sunday's 5k, unbeknownst to them. Kind of like a "kick me" sign. But yummier.8. Donate it to The Biggest Loser for a temptation challenge and rig it so that Tracy keeps eating it in order to gain control of the game, only to lose control because she ate too many Butterfingers, fell below the yellow line, and then get sent home. Wait, that won't work because she just got sent home! Oh well. PS. Would you believe I actually ended up feeling bad that she got kicked off this week? I know. I'm too nice. Must've been the candy coma.
9. Bury it in a Time Capsule in my front yard to be opened in 50 years. It will probably retain its original shape and original packaging because of all the preservatives and that grosses me out and makes me not want to touch anymore. I should've made this list in the first place.
10. Finally, make a candy garden. Bury the little pieces like seeds and see if they will grow into new or bigger pieces of candy. Wait, they won't grow? Well now it's too yucky to eat. So too bad.
Got any other creative candy sendoffs? Take my advice, if you can't keep your Butterfingers off the Butterfingers, take one last piece, then say "Adios!" Your hind quarters will thank you later. I'm sending mine into work with my husband. It's a bunch of dudes with a metabolism that's better than mine anyway.