Last weekend, I had one of those Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey moments during spin class.
I've been caught more than once crying on my spin bike. I don't know what it is about spin class, maybe it's the "zone" I go into to try and make myself not think about how long Rod Stewart's "If You Think I'm Sexy" is (have you ever gotten stuck in that song in spin class? It's ridiculous! It is the longest song EVER! You'd never think so! But it never ends!) But I get deep in thought or I have such epiphanies that I start to tear up! It happens all the time!
Last weekend, the thought came as the class was about half-way through and I was remembering back to when I first started taking the class and how painful it was for the first few classes. That was almost a year ago. But now I get these bursts of energy and feel amazing all the way to the end of class. And I got to seriously thinking, what if I had waited, like all those other times before, to finally lose weight?
If I had waited.
Two years ago, I was at the beginning of the journey and I wrote this post. It was before I had run any 5ks, it was before I had met any of you, it was before I had gotten out of double-digit sizes.
I revisited that post and it all flooded back. (If you don't know me from before the beginning of my weightloss journey, go read it. Seriously.)
If I'd have waited, I'd feel exactly like that, right now. The label of the post was, "I feel like an angry fat person." Because that's what I was.
So, if I had waited.
If I had waited, I would have spent the first two years of my sons' pre-school in my shell, without any self-esteem or confidence, and probably (definitely) would not have had the guts to be their "room mom." I probably wouldn't be as involved in my preemie mom's group either because I wasn't as sociable when I was heavier. I was too self-conscious. I canceled outings with friends all the time. Forget holiday parties. HATED THOSE.
Let's not even mention the tri-group I wouldn't have joined (heck, I wouldn't have tried triathlon in the first place) and even things as trivial as reconnecting with old friends on Facebook because I wouldn't have wanted them to see me. Plus, I'd have kept that creepy shadowy guy (the default that shows up when you don't put a picture up).
If I'd have waited, we wouldn't have taken our beach vacations. Or we would have, but I wouldn't have liked them. And I certainly wouldn't have done things like run along the beach and enjoy it for all of its beauty. I'd have wanted to stay inside because it was too hot and I didn't want to show "fat arm." It'd be too hard for me to sit down and play with the kids because my rolls were overfloweth and I hated that. Especially with the whole sandcastle building and what not.
I wouldn't have been a random walk-on to my softball team. That's for sure. Because I kept putting off softball until I lost weight. So if I didn't lose weight, I wouldn't have played at all. And I wouldn't have had the confidence to have tried spin class (or a reason to! because I took spin classes to start training for a triathlon!) and hence, cry on the spin bike!
My weight had such an impact on my entire life that I cannot even stand to think about what it would be like if I waited, even just another day or another week or a year or two years. Losing weight had less to do with the weight and more to do with the courage and confidence I've built up along the way. And I don't mean the confidence that comes with someone being cocky about something, I mean the plain old confidence to just be able to walk into a room and not be self-conscious to the point of terror. That's the confidence I mean. The kind that makes me not feel like running and hiding because I just know everyone is staring at me and judging me for my 5 chins and my elastic-waisted pants. The basic run-of-the-mill confidence that just allows you to live your life. I have that now. I wouldn't have that now if I'd have waited. I remembered how desperately I wanted that, when I read that post. And man, thank God for blogging and that I can look back and see that post.
And hey, come to think of it, I wouldn't have gone blonde!
And then there are the people besides me, like my dad who very likely wouldn't have run his first 5k, and my husband, who very likely wouldn't have run his very first marathon.
This is all actually making me very sad as I type this. As I type this I realize how much of a life overhaul that's been made and not only on my own. On my family's.
Losing weight has actually changed my life. Completely changed my life. And it actually has nothing to do with clothing, but everything to do with our current lifestyle and frame of mind. Sure, it started out with clothing victories and dropping sizes, but then at some point, it didn't matter what size I was wearing, it mattered what I was doing.
Oh I'd definitely be into more tv shows. And ice cream. Because I was sooo into both of those things. And now I watch tv almost never.
I would have no idea how and what to eat.
I wouldn't understand the power of weightloss principles like consistency.
The funny thing is, I can see how easily I could have stayed in that place. I got so used to it that it became who I was. I was so unhappy. So, so unhappy. But unwilling to change it for so long! Because it was freakin hard. And not only that, but I was bitter about the fact that I couldn't just eat less and lose weight like lots of other people. I was one of those people who needed to work hard at it. And I could never get jump started and then stay at it. I had tried so many times before.
Also, I'd be older. And everything's harder when you get older.
And then, if I'd have waited, I wouldn't have been a part of the Sisterhood. And I wouldn't be writing this Monday Project.
Yes, I probably would be blogging (I need my outlet), but I'd be writing more posts like that one above labeled "Angry Fat Person."
So I'm not just glad I didn't wait. I'm glad that I saved myself from two more years of anger, bitterness and resentment. I stopped putting off living.
And, I've grown closer to my husband than I have ever thought possible and I know that it's because we do all of these things together and we have grown. Not just as a couple, but as people.
So here's to not waiting.
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