Alarm Clocks

I logged onto the computer this morning hoping for some good news.

But alas. I did not win the fancy alarm clock giveaway at Scribbit. And that's ok. Really.

I'm just the littlest bit upset because that alarm clock was a beacon of light to me in a sea of alarm clock failures.

True. I do have two alarm clocks who wake me up right at 7 a.m. every day. One that has the wind-up whimper, it starts out sporatic (like a built in snooze button) and turns into a very angry shriek if not answered in a timely manner. Or the other one who's chipper at first: "Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy!" And then the pleas turn desperate, "Dadddddy!!! Mommmmmmy!!"

So there is that. But if I did want to get up any earlier that 7 a.m. I am really out of luck. It has been this way for years. Did you see the movie where Jack Black becomes magnetized and when he stands next to VHS tapes, he erases them all? That is my effect on alarm clocks.

A perfectly working alarm clock, set to its perfect times and set up to ring or chime or play music at a certain time, will not under any circumstances, work for me. I cannot figure this out. I really don't think it is operator error either. Because when, inevitably, the device fails, and I wake up in that panic that is the feeling that I am a little too well-rested (the kind where you do the yawn and stretch-arms-up-over-your-head) and there is light peering in from the window and you just know it is definitely not 5 a.m., I look back at all of the possible errors.

Was it set on p.m. instead of a.m.? Is the volume turned all the way down? Did I push the button into the "on" position?

And when I check all those off my list and I am still befuddled as to why this alarm clock did not perform its alarm clock job as I have requested it to, the alarm goes away and I try something else. That is, after I am through ripping my covers off and fleeing to the shower, grabbing desperately at my clothes in the closet and hopping toward my keys and purse with one foot while putting shoes on the other, arms flailing about in an attempt to still make whatever event, job, workout I was trying to make in the first place. And later finding out I have on one black shoe and one brown one. Or my shirt's on inside out.

My current alarm clock is unplugged on purpose. We've been through this together and I've been very mad at it. Plus its alarm clock buzz is so angry and startling sounding that I don't know what is worse -- getting up on time but only because I am amidst of a heart attack and I miss whatever it is because I am on my way to the hospital anyway? Or missing it because it plain didn't work. It was $2.99. I really should have known.

What would help me is that in the aisle of alarm clocks, the store would also have a plug so that I might test out the buzz or music features prior to purchasing. (Oh dear. They have these?)

Anyway, I know what would happen anyway. I would set it for a couple of minutes in the future, and stand there and wait for it to ring. But then of course it would happen in that way that happens every time, the time comes and goes with no ring or buzz or music and I have to wait another 3 to 5 minutes to do it all again.) Meantime, I am left standing in the middle of the aisle, with two bored/angry children, hang on honey, one more time, let's see if this works, don't hit your brother...

And then something would happen. I am quite sure. The alarm clock would work while I am there. But when I get it home, all bets will be off. It will have all been a sham.

I mean, how many alarm clocks do I purchase and how many things do I get up late for before I decide that alarm clocks just aren't my thing? Can I just start making appointments for the day of the week, instead of a particular hour and minute? And just give people an "eta" based on how late I get up due to my alarm clock failure?

Even my cell phone requires that the user have a PhD to operate the alarm clock feature. It's not even in a place labeled "alarms". It took me weeks to find it. And honestly, I'm still not even convinced that that's the alarm. And I'm too scared to test it quite frankly.

My previous phone did not even own an alarm clock feature. I mean, what?

Last time I did the phone alarm thing, we did both phones, my husband's and mine, and neither worked. It was operator error on my husband's phone, ironically. But still. I am completely lost in alarm clock land and I don't know where to turn.

Hey! Can I pay one of you to perform wake-up calls? But then what if my phone stops working? What if your alarm clock doesn't work? Do you see the endless cycle I am in???

The trust is gone. I don't know if I can ever trust again. There is only one step left until our relationship is over. Alarm clock, you and I must go into counseling.

Alarm Clocks

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2008/07/alarm-clocks.html