Choices

For clarification, I just want to say, I love staying home.

I wouldn't have had it any other way. I could not physically bring myself to drop my son off at daycare and go to work. I had the option. But I couldn't. I don't judge other women for doing it, I think staying home versus not staying home is an extremely personal choice and everyone should decide what is good for them and their family. I am on everyone's side when it comes to making personal decisions for family. Just to make that known.

Two of my very favorite friends in the world had monumental news for me this week. I had worked with both of them in tv news as grunts. The very bottom rung on the career ladder. Making zilch. Eating, breathing, sleeping work. We were the single, climbing the corporate ladder-20-somethings, passionate, obsessed, go-getter career-women. Able to move or travel anywhere in a single bound should the opportunity present itself. Late nights? Ok! Holidays? Sure! Work through lunch? Of course! No days off? It's necessary! Breaking news? Vacation postponed? Done!

Then, the longer were were in, all of us who started together were really starting to get somewhere. Things had started taking off for me, too, when I got a job as a writer at a bureau at one of the biggest news agencies. I was making it happen. Finally getting somewhere. Gettin' a little respect.

Then I got engaged, left that job, moved back to Florida to be with my husband-then-fiance, and popped out a couple of kids. On the career front, I put things on hold. I decided to stay home. I tried to picture going back to work, but when it came time to make the ultimate decision, I just couldn't do it. Maybe it was because the first one came at 34 weeks and I felt the need to stay with him as long as I could. Then when he was 10 months old and just starting to even think about working again, I found out I was pregnant.

So this week, both of my friends were offered their dream jobs. All that hard work, finally paying off. One works in entertainment and will be paid (and paid well) to travel and cover entertainment news. The other is becoming an actual management big-wig at one of the cable networks. I saw the title. It's unbelieveably fantastic. I can hardly believe it had it not been for her new shiny business card she presented to me, but it's true and they both so deserve it.

And I am doubled over with happiness for them! I mean, this is what it's all been for! Finally! I feel so honored to have been there with them at the beginning. All that thankless work for crap pay is turning into something out of a dream!!

So leave it to me to make their news about me, right?

After all of the excitement over the weekend and talking about it and congratulating them and giddy girly-ness and squealing, when it all settled down and I got a few minutes to myself, after loading the groceries into the car and sitting down at the steering wheel to turn the car on, I just broke down.

And cried. 9 o'clock at night in a grocery store parking lot by myself. Apparently this bothered me in some way.

I was completely overcome and I didn't know why. I wouldn't change a thing in the world about staying home. But I guess I couldn't help but wonder, what if?

Where would I be had I not taken a time-out? What stories would I have covered? What honors would I have had? What amazing people would I have worked for and with? What contacts would I have made? What stories would I have to tell? Which job would have been next? How much closer to my dreams would I be now?

Instead, now I wonder, "What is my dream?"

I'm not that 20-something jet-setter anymore. I don't even know if I have that in me anymore. I thought to myself this hurricane season about offering myself up to freelance in the field should a hurricane hit, but then thought, duh, I'm still nursing, it's not like I can pump in the middle of a satellite truck in the middle of a bunch of old tv guys looming around.

When I calmed down a little after being sideswiped by these emotions I didn't even know I had, I thought about choices. How interesting that choosing a seemingly-simple path like getting
married could take someone down such another, completely unpredictable path. How choosing to get married would parlay so quickly into 30-something, home ownership and having children. And a whole different person of "me" entirely. These were things we chose. I chose. I didn't even think too much about it, come to think of it. I just went with the current of my life. I drifted along, naturally doing what came to me, leaving career for another day, another time. I never asked myself what the options were, I just knew what the options weren't. Like, for reasons very important to me, not marrying this man: not an option. Not moving home where my family was: not an option. Waiting to have kids: not an option.

I did so little thinking about where I was headed that I don't think I prepared myself for how I'd feel once I got there. I didn't foresee how I would feel when I saw what happened to all my friends who chose "Option A", while I chose "Option B".

I didn't think that far ahead.

My only consolation, which is a pretty big one, is that when I look back, I don't see "Option A" as an option. Yes, me. Go-getter-career-girl. I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't have chosen "Option A" because that would have meant choosing something other than my husband, who is my absolute, well, absolute. That's really the only way I can put it.

It must follow, too, that somewhere along the way, my career took a backseat. Literally, without telling me, it got out of the driver's seat, closed the door, and sat itself in the back. One day, I woke up and bam! I deemed this man and my family my number one priority. So I guess if we're talking about choices and having it all, I should be so proud that I had pictured my life a certain way and I made that happen. I always pictured marrying the type of man I married. I always pictured having children. I always pictured staying home with them. And I did that.

So what's the problem then? If I wouldn't change a thing, then what's the problem?

Maybe I think it'd have been nice to see how far I could go. Because choosing an entirely different path usually means new forks, and the new forks lead to new places and you can't go back to choose a different first path which would have led to the first set of forks because those are all closed now. But had I chosen that first path, what dream jobs would have been offered to me had I just kept on? What would I have been capable of? I guess, though, that I only need look as far as my front door for that.

I'm capable of raising two loving and hysterically funny children, one of which makes "bandaids" out of turkey slices and plasters them all over his face and the table on their fake "wounds". Of being a wife and on occasion, an understanding one. Of actually cooking a meal without sending anyone to the emergency room. And for that matter, actually being able to "throw something together" and having it taste (dare I say) good. Of coming up with creative ways to teach my children, like "Crazy Carrot Man" for the Letter C. Of reading the same book over and over and over again at bedtime without getting annoyed. Of being able to not exist on Ramen noodles and bologna alone. These are things I wouldn't have known about myself had I not chosen this path. Who knew I'd love being a mother so much? That this path would have chosen me, really, more than I have chosen it?

So I put my career on hold for a while. So it appears I won't be some big manager at a news network anytime soon. That means I have more time to dream up something else, right? To construct a new, maybe even better evil plan. Mwahahaaaaa!

After all, I wouldn't be a woman if I didn't ponder, cry, and/or obsess over this age-old inner conflict about career versus family, right? Because that's what we do.

Now.... back to the Batcave!

Choices

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2008/10/choices_14.html