Rogue Treadmill

The treadmill tried to kill me.

This is the first time I've ever been attacked by a piece of gym equipment, so I'm not sure how to handle it.

I'm not going to call the police or file a restraint, but I want to state for the record that the treadmill has, indeed, tried to off me, and I am filing that away in my mind for the future.

Do I think it was on purpose? Perhaps.

Here's how it went down.

It was just like any other Thursday night. After dinner, I went to spin class, which was 45 minutes long. Instead of stretching at the end, I cleaned up my bike, put on my headphones, ate a Power Bar gel pack, and hopped on the treadmill.

It was a "brick" workout, which means doing two exercises in the triathlon back to back and in a similar fashion that you would if you were racing (aka gel pack to restore energy and all).

So I chose my treadmill. I put it to 5.5 which is my normal pace, just under an 11 minute mile. Yes I am still slow. No judging, please.

But when I looked down, the treadmill said 5.0.


That doesn't look right.

So I pressed the arrow up once and for one second, it said, 5.6, then immediately after, read 5.1.

And so I pressed the "up arrow" once again to 5.7, and it said 5.7 for a second before it went back down to 5.2.


All the while, I'm running and I literally feel like I am

I cannot breathe.

I'm huffing and puffing.

My heart is pounding.

And I am quite sure that by now this is not even a 5.7. It must be 6 or more. It cannot possibly be 5.5, 5.6, or 5.7. Because the treadmill is going so fast I feel like any moment it is going to fling me off the back and into the row of steppers behind me.

And so I frantically press the DOWN ARROWS.


Trying to slow.this.thing.down.

And finally it stops. And my heart is pounding and my face is all red and by the way, remember I just did a 45 minute spin class that has kicked my ass... I am really only trying to do an easy run here!

So I move over to the treadmill next to me and start over.


And it feels like I am on a leisurely stroll. Compared to the superfast ridicu-tread that just happened.

And as I'm running, I look over and see a blinking message. "Speed Error."

Oh really? Gee. Thanks.

Information that would've been useful 5 MINUTES AGO!

After I got home, my butt muscles hurt so bad, I needed a butt massage. I wish I were kidding. The pain, oh the pain! It felt like there were little knots in my gluteal maximusses. Which I am trying to make minimusses thankyouverymuch. That's the point of the treadmill and other gym equipments. It hurt just to sit down.

So, Treadmill. What's the deal? Do you have a beef with me? You didn't think you could talk to me about it, you just had to take action? Oh sure, you did some damage.

But I want you to know, Treadmill, that your efforts to kill me were futile. I know who you are and what you tried to do. And when the lights are off and the gym is all dark and you think everyone has gone, you'd better sleep with one eye open.

Because it's on.

That's all I'm sayin'.
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  1. Scary. I hope my treadmill never decides to off me. Although through my lack of coordination every once in a while I almost trip off the edge. But that's my fault, not the treadmills. Glad you survived! (I'd avoid that particular machine in the future. The rest of the Gold team might miss you!)

  2. please excuse me while i lol...okay now back to the being glad you're okay.

    personally i thought you were insane with the spin followed by the run. but i'm right there with ya on the slow jog. i'm a 5.0-5.5 dependiing on how long i'm going.

  3. OMGoodness! I have to admit that I chuckled a little...more so at your "story" than at the mission of the treadmill.

    Seriously, I'm glad you are can get seriously hurt if you don't know how to operate the fine gym machinery.

    I also noticed that there is only 1 month remaining till your big race...I'm SO impressed with you. I'm afraid to try a Tri...I'm afraid of the biking part. Good luck with the rest of your training.

  4. Okay, so I'm laughing, but only because you're okay.

    I often feel like that about the treadmill, but it has more to do with my clumsiness that real animosity from my treadmill. For which I am grateful.


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