Mantra Monday: This little life of mine.

Still stuck in my own head over here. You may have noticed I haven't been blogging that much. Not because I don't want to, I have just done it instead when the mood strikes me, like now. But I've just plain ol' unplugged sometimes.

I've been spending a lot of time wondering where on earth the time has gone.

Just yesterday, I was buying a house as a newleywed hoping to get pregnant and all of a sudden it's fast-forward 4 years and I have a three-year old, a one-year-old and I am no longer a high school or college student or a raging twenty-something trying to take on the world although the memories are so fresh as if I were.

I talk about time all the time up in here. And the quicker it passes, the more I want it to slow down. I feel like I'm up against a deadline here. Like me and my family all have one shot here in this world, on this earth, and I want us all to get it right. Or at least, get it happy.

I have a sense of urgency building that I didn't have before. I want to soak it all up, I don't want to miss anything, I want to learn everything I can about everything I've wondered about, I want to do the things I've always wanted to do and I don't want to wait anymore. (Midlife crisis?)

I always say I'll do something another time. Or later.

But really, when is "later" anyway?

Later for who? More importantly, what if there is no "later"?

The depth of my questioning goes so far I actually get panicked and swallowed up and lost in it. But the summary of it is on the surface is that basically, life is short.

Too short, really. And it's so cliche' but it really is true. Literally, just a blip in time. There was a time when I was not here in this world, a couple of decades - possibly (hopefully) a century that I am, and then there will be an infinity where I am not. Infinity. Game over. I do believe I will be somewhere else when I am not here, but for now, while I am here, with all that there is to do and experience and see and feel and be and one shot in which to do it, it seems stupid, really, not to do any of it. Or to wait for a better time to do it.

Lately I feel like I would rather not get caught up in the day to day trivialness of to-do lists that really will never matter in the existence of the world, but rather in the moments where my son looks at me from across the room and says, "I really love you, Mom!" from under his blanket, or cuddling my boys and my husband, or taking a photography class and learning how to make art through pictures, writing everything I have pent up inside me, watching the dolphins or the sunset, feeling the water on my skin or the wind in my hair, feel the burn of my muscles or the fire of adrenaline, enveloping myself in life itself but most of all, experience life and feeling alive. Truly alive.

So I look around and I see my children playing on the floor and instead of blogging because I can see I have a window, I get down on the floor and play with them. I build trains, forts, pretend I'm in need of a firefighter (well, really, who isn't in need of a firefighter *snicker*) and call "emergency services" aka my three-year-old firefighter who wears his firestuff every day.

I play Play-Doh, dress up, and instead of shooing him back to his room at 6:30 in the morning, I turn on the music and watch him dance in my room or on my bed while I lay there basking in his wonder. I spend more time snuggling and singing songs and having conversations with them. Instead of yelling, I try to whisper. Instead of a power struggle, I try to understand. Instead of stomping my feet, I try to be patient. It doesn't always work, of course, but I try. And I try to figure out why.

Not wanting to miss a moment, pass a moment, waste a moment doing something other than anything that makes me feel alive and passionate and free.

That is all I want for this moment right now. I want to snuggle my baby Godchild who is now 10 months old. The last time I saw her, she was 3 months. (See? Where did that 7 months go? I am missing it all!) I want to spend time with my mother. I want to bike with my father. I want to kiss and hug my children and husband for an infinity. I want to laugh. Hard. I want to cherish my sister and my cousins and my best friend and their children. I want to rekindle old friendships. I want to play and run and feel the energy of my body coursing through my veins. I want my life to be rich in love and laughter and friendship and passion and awe and experience and pain and happiness.

That's what I want for right now. The more time I waste wanting, the less time I have for doing. The more time I spend longing, the less time I have for making it happen. Whatever it is. I don't think it's ever too late to try and enjoy this one life for everything that it is and can be. And that's what I'm spending my time doing these days. Trying not to let another single moment of anything that is good or great pass me by.

Mantra Monday: This little life of mine.

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/08/mantra-monday-this-little-life-of-mine.html