Mantra Monday: I Got Me a Wall of Motivation

I'm in a period in which I need vow renewal. New motivation. Inspiration. A reminder of why I am doing what it is I am doing. (What was I doing again?) Oh yea. A triathlon in April. April!?

That's so far away! What do I do in the meantime????!!!

So for now, I'm sitting here, all complacent in myself and doing things like eating a bucketload of popcorn, in size Large because the tween moviefood worker convinced me it was more economicable and a Cherry Coke also in the large size because of previously convincing economicableness while watching New Moon and secretly switching to Team Jacob and undoing all my good work out-y type deeds while pretending I'm moderating.

So I've put this up:
This is my Wall of Motivation.

But really it's a door.

And some corkboard.

But more importantly, it's my bedroom door, out of which I must walk out of every morning to start my day. In fact I pass through this door many times a day. And it's already working and I barely have anything up! But I'm working on it!

So far (since I've just started it) it has a picture of Chrissie Wellington on it. Female World Ironman Champion. Amazing.

I saw this picture in one of my magazines and the idea for an inspiration wall was born. And I'm not normally one to cut pictures out of a magazine. I haven't done that since about, oh, 20 years ago when Ralph Macchio and/or Kirk Cameron were on the cover of Tiger Beat or Teen Beat or whatever juicy teen idol magazine I happened to be salivating over at the time.

Man, she's ripped.

The other thing I have up was the sticker I got after doing the half marathon last March. I was going to put it on my car until I decided it would be so much cooler if I put up a "26.2 Been There Run That" sticker on my car instead. So since I haven't run that yet, this one needed a home until I do which probably won't be very soon but the stars could align I suppose. In the meantime, I think this one has found a nice home.

I'm going to prettify my little wall by putting up a bedazzled sticker across the top that says "Motivation" and then add to it at will, with sayings, happy things, peaceful things, inspiring things, as soon as I find them. Because it's funny how they're everywhere when you're not looking for them but NOWHERE when you're actually looking for them.

So often I have to switch up the motivating factors and start talking my brain into doing something even when it doesn't quite want to and now is one of those times. Because until I officially get on my training plan for the April triathlon which doesn't begin for a few more weeks, I'm lost. I'm finding myself skipping workouts and doing all those undedicated unmotivated things I've done to get myself to my previous state in the first place which was (according to those mean bodyfat calculation people) "obese". Must stop cycle. Must stop cycle.

So, please, oh, Wall of Motivation, speak to me. Little tiny paper Chrissie Wellington, speak to me. Call out to me. Remind me that I'm moving my body to be more fit for myself. To reach a goal I'd never even considered until this year. To be a good role model for my little tots. To be a wife my husband gets all hot and bothered over. To feel that wonderful rush of adrenaline and pride when I'm flying on my bike or on the treadmill or in the pool.

Cause I ain't feelin those things sitting here on this here couch. That's for sure.

And if I don't listen by at least Friday, you can pop me in the face.

* * *

Join the Mantra every Monday! I love to start off my week with a goal and a Mantra to set myself up for goodness for the week ahead! How bout you?? Grab the button, post your Mantra, and leave the link in the comments so I can come visit!

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Mantra Monday: I Got Me a Wall of Motivation

http://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/11/mantra-monday-i-got-me-wall-of.html

Ganksgiving

Today it is "Ganksgiving" at my son's school.

There will be pumpkin muffins, sandwiches shaped like turkeys and cheese and crackers that look like turkey tracks.

Because it's a "Ganksgiving Feef."

More later! See you after the "Feef".

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Ganksgiving

http://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/11/ganksgiving.html

The Candy Reward, Oh the Slippery Slope

I'm trying to un-do some bad behavior.


Not theirs.


Mine.


Remember how I did a little thing called, give a child candy for going poop in the potty?


Well he's long past potty trained now. And he's still asking for candy. He's not getting candy, but he's still asking for it.


So now we're on the path of the whole "doing good is it's own reward" thing.

Because it's such a slippery slope between the "reward" and the "bribe" anyway and I'm noticing now that he wants "something" for even doing normal things that we expect of him, like cleaning his room and not hitting! What have I done! And now I have to totally un-do this thought process!


I've actually heard him say, "If I do this.. can I get something?"


And I've said, "No honey, you can have a great feeling of accomplishment instead." Which is the perfect way to elicit a glossed-over look in a three-year-old.


In fact I've already heard some of my great monologues and by that I mean that these monologues come out of my mouth and I see his eyes gloss over and I'm still talking and even I am finding myself saying,"What on earth are you saying?!"

The first crazy talk about doing good came earlier this week when we got an empty brown bag from his school with a little note attached to it. I recognized the bag, it is the same kind of brown bag we filled up with turkey dinner and fixins for needy families last year. His school does this every year and I think it's the coolest thing ever. They literally fill the gym with food for families. It's awesome.

Well, I, of course, in my excitement, began telling him what the bag was for and how we are going to use it to help families who have no food.

"Why, Mommy?"

"Because they don't have enough money. Do you know when you're hungry and you ask for something and Mommy gives you some food? Well, some families don't have food when they're hungry."

"Why!"

"Because! And we have to help them, we have to give them some food! They're starving!" Then I started describing how we have food in our pantry and some people don't, trying to make him have a visual of what I mean and all I got was that same glossed over look where he completely hasn't a clue of what I'm talking about because I tend to use bigger words than I should with a 3year old anyway and he says,

"But I'M STARVING, MOMMY!"

And then he wants candy because he's starving.

Oh this talk is all going terribly wrong.

Now every time he's hungry, he says he's hungry because he's starving. And even if he's not hungry he says he's hungry because he's starving.

There's always next year. Maybe.

My latest monologue was with a tiny superhero who was out saving the world this morning and it actually kind of went well and went like this.

Him: I put the mean man in jail, can I have some candy????
Me: No, honey. Besides, it's 8 in the morning.
Him: But I saved someone! And I put the mean guy in jail! Now can I have candy??
Me: No, honey. Doing good things is its own reward.
Him: (blank stare.)
Me: (inner monologue yelling 'hurry before you lose him!') Do you feel good about yourself?
Him: Um..
Me: Are you proud of yourself?
Him: (proudly sticks chest out like chicken) YES!
Me: Are you happy that you did something good?
Him: YES!
Me: See? That's the best part of doing something good! That feeling of accomplishment!
Him: (rides off on motorcycle. I always lose him on the word "accomplishment." Must find synonym.)


It looked like he got it, anyway. Until the next round of rounding up villains and saving people anyway.

Then of course he rode up and yelled, "I'M STARVING!"

Maybe not.

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The Candy Reward, Oh the Slippery Slope

http://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/11/candy-reward-oh-slippery-slope.html

Weigh-In Wednesday

It's weigh-in Wednesday and the news isn't good for me, I think I might have gained weight dreaming about cake.

Can that happen?

I didn't even get a slice.

Anyhoo, official results for me are over here at the Sisterhood today.

By the way, have you joined the Sisterhood yet? We're losing weight together (or at least in my case, supporting each other's efforts!) and the latest physical challenge is logging running and walking miles. Oh and today's giveaway is jewelry!

Head on over to the Sisterhood to weigh in and go visit everyone else! Happy Wednesday!

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Weigh-In Wednesday

http://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/11/weigh-in-wednesday.html

The Post That Almost Wasn't

Last week, I went back.

I walked the second-floor hallway for the first time in 3 1/2 years.

The one I had walked down so many times, at every hour of the day or night, even in my pajamas and robe. Going to visit my tiny baby in the NICU, to talk to him, to sing to him, to hold him or feed him the bottles of milk that I was pumping for him around the clock.

When we left that Friday in April of 2005, I prayed I'd never return.

And I didn't.

My second child came on time, in the same hospital, and I avoided that hallway on that floor.

I was so happy.

This year, life took me back to that hospital, and to that very floor. To families who have their babies right now in the NICU. It was time to complete my circle. To help families walking the very hallway I walked, on the very same journey I took.

It was so much harder than I ever thought.

After the shower we threw for the families, I thought it was time for me to go visit the 2nd floor NICU. I had brought some little buckets full of candy that my mom's group had put together for the staff and I was going to bring them down myself.

It was time.

I could have given them to the NICU social worker to give them. But something inside me made me go. Needed to go.

I thought I had prepared myself. After all, we didn't spend a whole two weeks there, it really shouldn't be that hard. Should it?

So I walked the walk. Across the hospital, up the elevator, making a right turn toward the NICU instead of the left turn, where the healthy babies were in the newborn nursery. And each turn brought back pain. So much pain. An unbearable amount of pain. It was getting hard to breathe.

My hands lost feeling. I was terribly numb. I was nauseous.

It was awful.

It was more awful than I can even express and the word "awful" is the only word I can come up with for just how terrible I felt to be there again.

No, there wasn't closure. There wasn't anything except a terrible rush of painful memories, and the noise, my God the noise, the beeping, the darkness, standing next to the nurses station and trying to force a smile while handing them their homemade gifts and all I felt was the need to pass out.

My legs were weak. My knees were buckling. I couldn't breathe and the urge to sob uncontrollably was overwhelming.

It. Was. Awful.

It was all exactly how I remembered it. Every isolette, every section, every wire, every machine, every chair. I was surprised how actual and how vivid my memory of it was. Because when you go through something like that, it feels like you're walking through everything in a fog. So afterward, you wonder if whatever it is you remember is really accurate.

But it was all still there, just like in my head, 3 1/2 years later. Only this time, there were other mommies with that same lost look on their faces, their bellies still swollen where their babies were supposed to still be right now, just sitting there, helpless, next to their babies, watching. Praying.

At the exact spot where my baby was, a mother held her child while daddy snuggled up close to them.

I had sat in that chair. In that very spot.

My heart cried.

I don't know what I had expected. I thought maybe my memories wouldn't match up, that maybe when I had seen the place where my baby slept and lay waiting for me for all those days, that I could let it all go, once and for all. Like a butterfly. Like a balloon. And send my painful memories with it. My memories of a failed pregnancy. My guilt. My sadness. My broken heart for having failed my child before he was even born. My pain of leaving the hospital without him. The fear I had after his rough entry into this world. I wanted so badly for that to all finally go away along with all of the noise in my head.

But instead, I was so overwhelmed that it physically hurt.

I stifled all my feelings until I got home and I sobbed in my husband's arms until I had no more tears left.

I needed to compose myself before sitting down and writing about it. I almost didn't. But I had to.

I learned something that day. I learned that even though we forget so much, that some memories will never ever lessen. They will remain as vivid as the day we experience them.

And that's ok. No, I can't let the memories go. But I can look at my shiny, healthy, little three-year-old ball of energy and know that indeed, I didn't fail him. That instead, I gave him everything I had when he needed me, every second of me that I could and loved him with everything that I had and more than I ever even knew I had. And still do.

More importantly, I know that it wasn't my fault.

Today is Prematurity Awareness Day.

The research by the March of Dimes is very likely why I had a full-term baby my second pregnancy. It is why my son, who was born at 34 weeks, came home from the hospital in less than two weeks. It is why preemies who are born at 24 weeks can survive today.

Today and tomorrow and for the rest of my life, I will fight for preemies.
Until there is no reason to ever walk down that hallway, or sit in that chair, I will fight.

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The Post That Almost Wasn't

http://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/11/post-that-almost-wasnt.html