Wow! It was a tie!
Catie and Janeen were tied with a five pound loss in the Summer Slimdown Extravaganzzza! (Now I wish there were two spa gift cards!) But since there aren't, I am letting Mr. Random Number Generator decide.
And the winner is.... (drumroll please)
Janeen! Hope you can steal away for a little afternoon of mani/pedi or massage!
You guys both did great with your losses. I had so much fun!
I'll still be doing a FTF (fat ticker friday) if anyone wants to join me on Fridays. And if anyone's up for another round of slimdown, maybe we can do a four-weeker. Let me know if you're up for it! And if you have any prizes you want to donate for another go-round, we can make it interesting! Congrats to everyone on their weightloss and pants-size-dropping! Keep it up!!
Sunday
Whose Fat Ticker Moved the Farthest??
Thursday
WooHoo! It's the End. The Big Finale. The Finish Line.
So it's all come down to this. June 6th. The end of the line. 8 weeks or so of calorie counting, exercise, motivation, slumps, nearly throwing up (oh. that was just me?), banging head against the wall, more motivation, ups, and downs.
The Final Fat Ticker Friday!!!
WELL?????? How did you do? Did you do $50 gift card to a spa-good????? Go ahead! LEAVE ME A COMMENT! Post your final results!!
My weightloss this week: one pound.
As promised, here is my fat picture from hell. The one that started all of this. The picture of "the fat chick holding the baby" and I thought hmm. hate to be her! Then I took a second look and yep! You guessed it! It was me!
And then I thought, kill me now.
And then I cried. Yes, I cried.
So a promise is a promise. And believe you me, it is taking a lot out of me to put this picture out there on the internet (especially because one day when I am rich and famous, you'll see it on the front of the Enquirer while you're in the checkout line at the grocery store. Look paparazzi! I am literally just giving it to the public right now!)
OK. Here goes. (holding breath).
Whew. There. I did it.
Well, you can imagine my chagrin. Then I got off my ass. Oh, there is nothing like an epiphany like this one to get you motivated. So now, I look like this.
It's not the best picture in the world but it's the only one I have for now (I put the camera timer on and ran in front of it.) Oh yes, and I cut my hair! I forgot to mention that months ago. I am growing it back out though, I miss it. It grows quick. Anyhoo.
In sum, I am a grand total of 17 pounds lighter (5 from before the slimdown) I can run 2 1/2 miles straight -- hopefully a full three on Saturday -- (albeit, slow). I dropped one pants size. I am not to my goal weight (at all) yet. But I'd say this has been a pretty darned productive two months and I'm really proud of it. In fact, Saturday's race isn't about weightloss to me. It's about finding the athlete in me again and being who I want to be and who I know I can be. I'm getting there. After more than two years (and two babies) there is finally some resemblance to me again. I cannot tell you how much today means to me. I have worked really hard. I mean REALLY. HARD.
Thank you one million billion for being a part of this slimdown. I couldn't have done it without everyone's support and encouragement. I almost fell off the horse a couple a times but you didn't let me.
And now that the end is actually in sight, I'll keep going, well past this slimdown. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I can't say it enough, really. And if you want to continue slimming down this summer, I will still be weighing in on Fridays if you want to join me.
Tonight I'm gonna have my ceremonial pre-race pasta dinner with my family and then Saturday the race is bright and early at 8am. Wish me luck! I hope to come in under an hour. Haha.
So leave me a comment with your final results! Don't be shy! Get in on this prize! Thanks again!!!! And congratulations to you! If you lost one pound or a million pounds, it's progress!!!
Fat Ticker Friday!!!!!
Fat Ticker Friday!
Welcome to Fat Ticker Friday!
How did you do this week?
I will weigh in a little later this morning. I think I made some progress this week. I have lost one full pound this week. I don't really mind going pound by pound since they're starting to add up. But I don't know if I will make my goal of five more pounds by June 6th. It is likely that I won't but I think I'm ok with that. I made a lot of progress.
However, sadly, I am on tap to run a 40 minute 5k. I realize it's a good thing that I even so much as finish the 5k. So why do I feel the need to pressure myself to do a 30 minute 5k? I haven't run 3 miles straight in about 3 years! But yet, I feel insufficient as a human being, having run 2 miles in 28 minutes. That's a 14 minute mile -- how pathetic is that?! No, self. It's not pathetic -- remember it's good that you're even running two miles. (A little inner monologue going on here).
Anyway, sign the linky! Tell me how you did! Happy Fat Ticker Friday! *Remember -- there is a $50 Spa gift card to the biggest loser -- final weigh-in June 6th! (That's just around the corner!)
Oh yes, and ps. As part of this slimdown, I promise to unveil that God-awful picture of me (the fat chick on the couch holding the baby) that started this whole thing. Hopefully I will have a better picture of a better, healthier, upgraded version of me by then. I'll post it at final weigh-in. Oh joy!
Monday
The Final Countdown/Grand Prize
OK guys, it's on! (Can you hear the Final Countdown music playing yet? Turn up your volume.)
There are less than three weeks left until our final weigh-in and we've all had some good weeks and some bad weeks and some "nothing to report" weeks. Let's pull it together troops!
I'm gonna turn drill sergeant for a second here.
Private Momma, DO you want to fit into those pants! DO you want to stop beating yourself up over having weeks of no loss! DO you want to meet your goal or not! DO you want to weigh in on June 6th and be proud of yourself of the job you have done! DO you want to be a healthier mom to your kids and a better example for your family! DO you want to purge your closet of "size huge"! DO you want to try on clothes and not cry and crumple into a heap on the floor of the dressing room!
If you've answered "Yes!" in your head to any of these questions, this is it. The last couple weeks. The final stretch. Over the hump. If it's not now, then when? So here it is. The grand prize.
A $50 SpaFinder Gift Card. Which means it's to any spa in your area that will take it. Take a timeout to pamper yourself for all the hard work you've done.
Here are the rules (they are simple):
-Winner will have lost the most weight from the beginning of the challenge until final weigh-in.*
-Latecomers can still join -- there will be "extra credit" opportunities over the next couple weeks.
If you don't win the prize and you've lost some weight, well then hey, you still win.
*Yes, this whole weightloss thing has been and continues to be on the honor system -- but I know everyone here is honest and has been honest, so let's continue to play fair!
******************************************************************************
I honestly don't know what I would have done without everyone whose been a part of this. Since beginning this, I've lost 9 pounds, and before that I had lost 5. So, total for me is 14 pounds -- only six away from my goal. I have worked my ass off six days a week, have made a LOT of dietary sacrifices and have somehow found time to "do the work". And it is work. It's crazy work. I've overheated, almost thrown up (twice) and put my body through the mill. I've had many "I can't do this anymore" moments. I've had moments when I thought that all the hard work I was doing was for nothing. (Oh yes, you've heard me rant and rave about it. Re: those pants that I obsess over in my closet). Then boom. All of a sudden, stuff started happening. I actually fit those pants I was obsessing over in my closet. So it does work after all. It's just effing hard. (Scuse the french.)
I challenge you this week to think about the changes you've made in your life so far. Figure out what's worked and what hasn't. And Friday, when you post your weightloss, list some of the things you're most proud of that you've changed since the slimdown began. Sure it's about the weight, (who are we kidding), but it's just as much about being healthy and making changes toward becoming more healthy.
Have a good week! Good luck!
Saturday
Scavenger Hunt Winners
The good thing about only a few people entering the scavenger hunt contest is that everybody wins!
Congrats to Mannequin at Fractured Toy who wins a $25 Barnes & Noble gift card and to Catie at Tater Tots N Fries who wins my favorite movie of all time, Tommy Boy! Head on over to see what they came up with! Congrats! (I'll be e-mailing you both soon!)
Thursday
Fat Ticker Friday slash Scavenger Hunt!
I am so utterly happy to be doing this slimdown you just have no idea. I haven't fit into this size in two years. My underwear is loose! I might need new underwear! Thank you for motivating me, wonderful blogging friends. I heart you bigtime. This week's weightloss for me: 1.5 pounds. Yay! How about you? How did you do? Roadblocks? Breakthroughs?
So here are my pictures for the scavenger hunt (open to everyone) and if you haven't yet done it -- there is still time and it's really easy. Here are the rules. Remember: random winner will receive $25 giftcard to Barnes and Noble -- and most creative gets a copy of Tommy Boy, my favorite movie. Sign the linky!So here are my pictures:
1) Something healthy in my house. This is a sampling of what's in my fridge. Some cottage cheese, some apples, some broccoli and some salad. I'd better get munchin cause they are about to expire.
2) Maybe they're expiring because I've been munching on these! I was craving chocolate Wednesday night so I did cave and buy these. However, I have only had four (4) of them and a serving is actually 5. They are dark chocolate, you know, anti-oxidants. Does that count? And they're little. Portion control?
3) Favorite workout gear ever is my khaki bag and my I-Pod with the headphones that wrap around your ears and go around the back of your neck. They stay on so much better that way.
4) A part of me exercising.
Psych!!!! That's just my arm bent at the elbow. Yes, it looks like a butt. I'm immature. I couldn't resist. How about a foot instead?
5) And this is my family exercising with me. The boys.
And me! Get me! Over here! I had to take a picture in the first one. I was going to photoshop myself in, but I'm not that creative. This was after my first 25-minute-straight run on my Couch to 5k program. From here on out, all my runs will be 25 or 30 minutes straight. We're on the downward spiral. We're almost there!I thought it would be harder but I've done it twice now and it's a little tough but completely doable. I just have to think happy thoughts and not pay attention to the clock AT ALL. Here's the link again to play the scavenger hunt!Monday
Monday's Motivation
Oh how I wish that I could just drink a nice big heaping cup of motivation every day in the morning and I'd be set. But no. Instead, I have to find quotes to pick me up -- look at pictures of "old me", look at my babies, or my new pants, whatever it takes to keep me going. I found this quote that made me chuckle:
Friday
Fat Ticker Friday + Scavenger Hunt Prize
**UPDATE** I'M DOWN THREE POUNDS! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**
==================================================================
Not to brag, of course, but did I happen to mention I dropped a size? I did? Oh yeah! I did! Here!
Sorry.
All the rules are in the link above. Let's play! (It's open to everyone).
Thursday
Potpourri
There must be some sort of planetary alignment thing going on. There is an odd sort of aura around here and weird things are cropping up in and around this house and this family.
I have mentioned the "witching hour," have I? These are the hours between 4 and 8 where my children are lunatics. It's the time of day when they are in simultaneous harmony, screaming like banshees in a symphony in chorus together. One wants to eat for four hours straight -- the other is pissed that the other one wants to eat for four hours straight. It is difficult to make dinner this way. It goes like this: dinner, screaming, bathtime, screaming, storytime, screaming, lights out. Sound sleep. During all of it, I just continue on my merry way, trying to stay mellow, getting things done and trying to make jokes in between. Despite the screaming. What else can I do? It's almost funny. But by 8pm I am toast.
And isn't it funny when there are friends that you haven't heard from in forever and they all seem to call at once? Three of them, yesterday. By complete coincidence. Three friends of mine who I haven't heard from in literally 6 months or more. All calling me on the same day. Weird.
I am pondering, should we get a kitten? When I consider the "witching hour" I emphatically say in my own head, "Are you kidding me?" But some kittens have made a home on my mother-in-law's porch (one of them had died, the cute little runt of the litter that we were for sure going to take.. but she was very sick and didn't make it. Oh so so so sad! I can't think about it too much I will cry.) But there are three kittens left. One of them used to cuddle with the weensy one and we were thinking maybe we'd take her. We have a little old lady cat already, and I would really like to have another kitty kitty kitty but I am on the fence. I am not sure if Poops would try to crush her or not. He chases the old lady around the house but she holds her own, even in her elderly years. My husband wants the kitty more than I do, but of course he does, it will be me having to take care of the little thingy and I already have two little thingies, (three counting little old lady kitty). So I am not sure of the chaos it will create.
You know those toilet paper holders that aren't stuck on the wall, instead they are on a stand? Yesterday, Poops was singing his lungs out ("Shah shah shah mee maaaa shah!" - not sure exactly what that meant) and I turned and looked at him (I was putting my makeups on in the bathroom) and saw that we got our money's worth on that purchase. It doubles as a mic stand.
Yes, he brought it out into the living room. Fantastic! This did become a problem later when it was inaccessible to me at a most inconvenient time.
As you can tell, he is very proud of himself for what he discovered. Yes, it is a little gross and you are probably thinking How could she let him play with that? Ick! I know, I know. Bad mom, here. But it was funny.
By the way -- do you know WHO GOT TO MEET THE PRESIDENT? Yes, my sister. She met Mr. Bush at Military Families Appreciation Day. Isn't that the ultimate way to get acknowledgement for what you do as a military wife! I think it's so wonderful. She and the bump got to meet the president. You can read about it here, along with her presidential breakfast (which she of course took pictures of). I'm so proud of her!
Finally -- I am almost excited about tomorrow's weigh-in. Almost. Because you know why? I have officially dropped one whole size! There are two sizes as far as I am concerned. There are regular sizes and there are: "Size Huge" sizes. Which is my name for larger sizes that I have never been in in my life except for post-baby. And I have been in a size huge since Poops was born, which feels like forever now. I am proud to announce that my "Size Huges" are actually big on me. And I actually bought three pairs of regular sized pants this week. Exclamation mark!
I was nervous because, you know how it happens, (or maybe it's just me). You grab a fistful of "Oh, these have to fit" pants because they look gigantoid and then there is horror in the dressing room (and possible crying) when you realize that they don't fit. At all. Then instead you buy shoes because those always fit. And your husband gets mad because you come home with another pair of shoes when you were supposed to be out getting clothes that fit. (Oh, just me again?) That's been my life for the past two years. So you can imagine my being hesitant about my trek into the dressing room this week. Fingers crossed (and a Hail Mary) I grabbed a fistful of "Could they fits?" And what do you know! They did! All three of them! So I bought all of them. Because this was momentous. Bigtime momentous. I am getting back to me. Finally. Oh, it has been so long. So, in sum, I am excited about tomorrow. Don't forget weigh-in day tomorrow!
Monday
Motivation Monday -- Vow Renewal, a Grand Re-Opening, and a Scavenger Hunt + prizes! (Open to all!)
Wow. Did you know we're about at the halfway mark here until final weigh-in at the Summer Slimdown Extravagannnnzaaaaah?
shudder.
How far have you gotten toward your goal? Me -- well, you know I was a little upset about my ticker headed in the other direction on Friday, and after a new pink Coach purse nice weekend breather -- (Serenity now!) I am renewing my vows here to get fitter and unfatter.
Also, guess what, May is Fitness Month! So this week, instead of a prize on Friday at the weigh-in -- we're gonna have a little fun with a scavenger hunt -- and this one's open to anyone who wants to do it, bloggers and non-bloggers alike. It's fun for the whole family!
Here are the rules:
- Take pictures of the following 5 items/scenarios.
1. The healthiest food item in your house (you can like it or hate it)
2. The mostest unhealthiest food item in your house (yum! I can think of a few I wish were in my house. Wah wahhh.)
3. Your favorite workout must-have item (clothes, equipment, partner, music device, whatever!)
4. A picture of a part of you exercising (a limb, a finger, a face -- keep it clean!)
5. A picture of you and your family (and/or a friend or loved one or dog or whomever) doing something healthy (yes, I have a dirty mind too, and we know there are many activities that burn calories --but we don't really want to see that; my mom and mother-in-law read this). But it could be going out to a healthy dinner -- getting outside for a walk, playing in the yard, going to tee-ball, exercising as a group with your headbands on in your living room, whatever you want! The more creative the better! Get everyone involved!)
- When you're done, write a post about it linking here to the contest and leave me a comment so I can come by and see!
- You have plenty of time -- this contest closes Friday, May 16th at 8pm est. I will post all the players so everyone can see what everyone came up with. I will randomly pick the winner and announce them on Saturday, the 17th.
- However, there will be a second prize: a prize for "Most Creative."
- Non-bloggers can enter too -- just e-mail your "answers". Again, nothing dirty please or I will put a hex on you.
- Anyone involved in the Summer Slimdown -- we will still have our weekly weigh-in on Fridays. Sign the linky so we can visit each other (safety in numbers)! I encourage anyone who wants to weigh-in with us (no "weight" just "weightloss") to come by and do the same -- we do this every Friday. You can read about it here.
Have fun!
Oh! and the best part: Prizes!
1 Random winner will receive a $25 gift card to Barnes and Noble. Who doesn't love books?
And...the winner of "most creative" will win (1) one DVD of Tommy Boy. My favorite movie of all time. I would like to share Chris Farley with the world.
Friday
Happy Fat Ticker Friday!
Well it's official. I hadn't a single weight-loss this week. In fact, I gained a 0.5 depending on which time of day you ask the scale.
Scale scale on the floor -- do I weigh less or do I weigh more?
So the ticker is going to go the wrong way today. But you know what? I'm ok with that. I exercised 13 days straight (my normal "day off" was the 5 mile March for Babies and yes, I'm counting that!) and my clothes are noticeably looser. I am not yet into the size below my current pants size yet -- but my current pants look ridiculously big, I have saggy bottom and they fall down. Why that doesn't allow me to get into the next size down yet I don't know. I must fall right in between the two. I don't ask questions anymore. But those pants I try on every day? Almost in, baby. Also, I can feel myself able to run further and faster and longer already. Progress is being made, even if it isn't translating on the dumb scale.
My one cheat this week: Wednesday during a Peep photo shoot (can't you just picture the professional set-up, the big lights, the giant camera -- the Peeps sitting there posing while I say "I love it! I love it! (clicking away) Now make me hate it!")
Sorry, got off on a tangent there for a second... Anyway during the "shoot"-- "weightlifting Peeps" -- I ate a pack of Rolos that I was using (they look like weights when you put one on each end of a skewer! who knew! My mom's idea of course.) They stared me down and honestly, if I wasn't going to eat them, my husband was. He was giving them the stink-eye all week.
So how did you do this week? Please feel free to visit the others on the linky to give them a high-five!
ps. Wanna join us or already working on your own to drop a few? Weigh in with us on Fridays to enter the weekly giveaways!!
Monday
Week Four Slimdown Giveaway
Anyway, remember to come back Friday and sign the linky with your weightloss -- Good luck this week!
Sunday
Motivation Monday
You know when you click on something that looks interesting when you're out surfing the web (like an ad by Jillian Michaels -- the crazy bootcamp trainer on The Biggest Loser, for instance) and you make the mistake of putting in your e-mail address and forever afterward become the target of newsletters and e-mails from each one of her sponsors, not to mention each edition of her workout tapes?
Whoops.
But as I was unsubscribing to all of the madness, (stupid! stupid! stupid!) some good did come of it and it was something I needed to hear. (You know that I find inspiration in odd places -- and that includes my junk e-mail folder).
One of the e-mails that Jillian Michaels sent me (personally, I am sure -- and I'm honored she picked me!) The subject line: "Do the work!"
Today I didn't have anyone to watch the kids so I could get to the gym, so I was going to get up at the buttcrack of the earlies, in the dark (like I will tomorrow) and go before husband leaves for work, but the problem is, I was up until midnight cleaning (I rode a huge wave of housecleaning motivation for some reason--floors, toilets, everything! Must've been the Peep guilt) so I knew I would die if I got up even a minute before I was supposed to. But how was I going to fit in my workout --which is arms/upper body -- today. Hmm.
Then I saw it. And I really needed to hear it. Yes, I must "Do the work!" Thanks Jillian, you're right. I will do the work. So I will pull out my DVR recordings of my favorite spandex-clad workout guru -- Gilad -- (sorry Jillian!) and do two runthroughs and do it at home. I will get my ass moving today no matter what. Yes I will. So that's the Motivational Quote of the week -- sponsored by Jillian Michaels -- "Do the Work!" The point being -- no one gets an "A" without studying. Unfortunately, fat does not freely move off my legs and/or ass at its own free will (wouldn't that be the best gift ever!) I have to move it off. Little ol' me -- all by myself (with the help of you guys!) Motivation enough for me, this Monday. Now, time for coffee.
Motivational Song of the week: Pump It by The Black Eyed Peas. Who doesn't want go into an all-out all-limb spaz attack when they hear this song? This is another I-Pod workout playlist must-have.Feel free to share all your motivations here! Oh, and Biggest Loser prize announcement a little later this morning (after I take the picture!) Ps. If you're reading this and are wondering what the heck the Biggest Loser is, it's our summer slimdown -- and it's never too late to join us and win prizes! Read on here. Happy Motivational Monday!
Friday
FAT TICKER FRIDAY!
Another Friday, another weigh-in. How did you do?
Update: 11am -- I have lost two pounds. YAY! Goal reached for this week despite cave on cookie incident.
I have my weigh-in in about an hour, so we shall see if that ticker moves today. I worked hard this week although I did have a moment of weakness and consumed one (1) chocolate chip cookie on a day that was not my "day off". Yesterday. When I was at the bank to drop off my donations for the March of Dimes walk, it was staring at me in the face so I bit it.
Sign the linky with your progress! Good luck!
Monday
Prize time: Week Three
I just want to say off the top, I know sometimes it takes a while to decide whether or not you're ready for a change; everyone has to have their own pivotal moment, that "Ohmigod" epiphany, the one where they decide they can't take it anymore and it doesn't always happen at the same time as everyone else. So even though we are three weeks in, if you're reading this and you still aren't sure whether you're ready to take the plunge or not, there is still time to jump in. It doesn't matter if it's four or five weeks in, there is no bad time to start, and plus I plan on continuing this past the last weigh in (June 6th), so I won't just leave you hanging in a lurch after the final weigh-in. So come on in!
That being said, here's the prize for week three! It's a combo-platter. A Sportline calorie, step and distance Pedometer and a Sportline Handheld Hydration water bottle.
Nifty, huh?
So just sign the linky on Friday, link back here, and leave a comment with your weight-loss, (remember, you don't have to put your actual weight) just the loss. Good luck this week! Oh, and there was some shaving of heads this weekend, tune in tomorrow for that. As I always say, the family that shaves together, stays together!
Monday's Motivation!
Pre- slimdown extravaganza: 5 pounds; Since start of slimdown extravaganza: 3 Pounds. Grand Total: 8 pounds. Not too bad.
Time to clean up my act and get back on the horse after my measley one pound loss of last week. I guess I have been riding the high that is 2 or 3 pounds a week, so much so that I have become disappointed by anything less than that. Of course, "they" say that 1 to 2 pounds a week is the healthy way to do it, so I should be happy with a one-pound loss. But it doesn't hurt to push one's self just a little harder, right? So this week's goals for self:
-Write down my weight training workouts, pounds and reps so that I may tweak my workouts in order to make them more effective for following workouts
-If I can't do one more rep, do it anyway.
-Don't eat crap.
-2 pound loss
What are your goals this week?? Motivate me!
Motivation Monday Quote of the week: "The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones." - Chinese Proverb. This is very wise. Translation for diet world, small stones = cellulite. Mountain = backside.
Motivation Monday Song of the week: The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars 
Oh and have I mentioned the lead singer is Jared Leto? AKA the GORGEOUS Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life (for anyone old enough to remember it? Am I showing my age here?) Yes, it's not the first time I've mentioned him on my blog. Not that anyone is counting. (I also picture him singing the song right in my ear. Shhh. Don't tell my husband.) Anyway, here are the lyrics:
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?(Oh,Oh,Oh,Oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take this anymore
What would you do, do, do?
Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life.
What would you do?(Do,do)
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for
I'm not running from you (from you)
Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now: this is who I really am inside
I Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM
Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh
Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Come, break me down
Break me down
Break me down
What if I wanted to break...? (You say you wanted more, what are you waiting for? (marry me) I'm not running from you...)
What if I, what if I, what if I... (bury me, bury me)
Saturday
Two Words: Two Guard
And the Winner is....!
Congrats to Patty at Our Life as an Air Force Family! She's this week's winner of the On-The-Go Organizer, (results drawn this week from the super-official magic toddler snack bowl).
Friday
Obsession. (Scroll down for Fat Ticker Friday and contest)
I have an addictive personality. When I am into something, I obsess over it. Completely and utterly drench myself in it. Whatever it is. And all I do is salivate over the next time I get to do whatever it is I am obsessed with, or eat whatever it is I am obsessed with. It is exhausting and all-consuming and I don't know how to stop it.
It is so bad that when I just went to type in my blog address, I typed -- by accident (or not?) --the word "obsession" up there in the little address bar. And when I looked at my e-mail, I saw 10% off everything on scale. And had to do a double-take. SALE! IT SAYS SALE! NOT SCALE!
Many times, the object of my obsession is innocent.
When my husband finally learned to play Canasta (some would call this an old person's card game - but it is not, it is genius!), all I could think of was the next time we would play and what my strategies might be. Gosh there's a ton of laundry to do, but Ooh, the kids will be napping around 1, we can play then! It would be like the cartoon, with my husband playing the part of Spike, the big dog, and me playing the part of that tiny dog, jumping over Spike repeatedly, saying over and over in that overeager voice What should we do next, Spike? Whatdowedonext? Can we playcardsSpike?Whencanweplaycards!?
And eventually and inevitably, his obsession would end before mine and he would have to let me down easy by telling me he doesn't really want to play anymore and then I would be disappointed and then I would find a new obsession. But every single time, I wouldn't have to find one. It would find me. And sometimes that obsession would be not so innocent.
Right now, I am obsessed with losing weight. I do not think it is the innocent kind either. I must ask myself 187 times a day, "I wonder if I lost any weight this week. Do I feel like I lost weight this week?"
And if I am feeling particularly large, I don't just think, "Oh well maybe next time." I think things like, "How did I get this way?!" and "Why why why can't you just lose this!" and I get angry, and bitter, and pissed off, and tired. I feel like Rainman and I feel like hitting myself over the head repeatedly saying Why why why why why! Charlie Babbit Charlie Babbit Charlie Babbit!
And I want to give up. But that's just the thing. I can't give up because I will feel worse. It would be like a wash then repeat with no end in sight. But if I keep going, I struggle with the mere thought and possibility of doing all that work and seeing no results. What if I am making all of these sacrifices and am ultimately doomed for failure?
I have thrown out all of my littler-sized jeans because I thought that if I fit that size again, I will buy new ones. However, I have kept one pair and I try them on every day thinking maybe today is the day. But every time I try them on I realize it is not, and I feel bad about myself again.
I look in the mirror and think I don't look that bad! I look good today! And then a picture surfaces of myself, say, at my son's birthday party, and I look like a gigantic whale who has beached themselves at the park. And I get knocked down a few pegs.
Why do I torture myself in this way? I have not found the answer to this yet. I even tell myself every day, don't try on those pants yet, silly! But then I picture them sitting in my closet and I think but what if?
I am obsessed. There is no doubt in my mind that this is probably what psychologists would call an unhealthy obsession. But, is this an unhealthy obsession that will actually keep me from my goals? Or is this an unhealthy obsession that will actually propel me, for the last time, into the results I have been obsessing over since I gained those first stubborn pounds during my first pregnancy? (I have already lost the extra pounds I gained with the second pregnancy.) So how can I turn this into a healthy obsession?
Last night, I was so angry about the whole picture that is eating well, losing weight, working out, that I went to bed early to "sleep it off". I don't want to be this angry at myself. I don't want to think about the skinny people who get pregnant and are back to size 0 by the time they get to their 6 week doctor appointment. I don't want to meet new people and have them think that this is who I am. And when I lose the babyphat, they say, Wow! You lost a lot of weight! But really, it's not that I lost weight, it's that I lost the babyweight and I am back to my normal self. And I don't want to be the person that people secretly whisper about, wow she really packed it on when she got pregnant!
I actually get angry at everything. Even my genetics. I actually get mad at my metabolism. Why are you so slow!
So this is my struggle right now. I want my quest for weightloss to be happy and uplifting and I want to look at my children and be happy about my body, whatever size it may be, and think that it did wondrous things in bearing them, and be proud of it and know that its size, in the grand scheme of things really is temporary. And that really, I am an athlete who plays softball and volleyball and racquetball and I will be that person again, (or rather, is still that person! That person didn't go anywhere, did she?)
I also feel bad that those of you who read this blog have pretty much read only about my neverending quest for weightloss lately. It is because I am obsessed! It is all I think about and write about! I'm sorry.
Well, now I am rambling. I guess the only answer is, is just to keep doing this, keep going, even with the pitfalls of self-consciousness. I just wish I had less of an internal struggle and more of an outward perseverance. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I could tell that inner voice SHUT UP ALREADY!
You're right, no one said this would be easy. But my brain is starting to hurt.
