I have an addictive personality. When I am into something, I obsess over it. Completely and utterly drench myself in it. Whatever it is. And all I do is salivate over the next time I get to do whatever it is I am obsessed with, or eat whatever it is I am obsessed with. It is exhausting and all-consuming and I don't know how to stop it.
It is so bad that when I just went to type in my blog address, I typed -- by accident (or not?) --the word "obsession" up there in the little address bar. And when I looked at my e-mail, I saw 10% off everything on scale. And had to do a double-take. SALE! IT SAYS SALE! NOT SCALE!
Many times, the object of my obsession is innocent.
When my husband finally learned to play Canasta (some would call this an old person's card game - but it is not, it is genius!), all I could think of was the next time we would play and what my strategies might be. Gosh there's a ton of laundry to do, but Ooh, the kids will be napping around 1, we can play then! It would be like the cartoon, with my husband playing the part of Spike, the big dog, and me playing the part of that tiny dog, jumping over Spike repeatedly, saying over and over in that overeager voice What should we do next, Spike? Whatdowedonext? Can we playcardsSpike?Whencanweplaycards!?
And eventually and inevitably, his obsession would end before mine and he would have to let me down easy by telling me he doesn't really want to play anymore and then I would be disappointed and then I would find a new obsession. But every single time, I wouldn't have to find one. It would find me. And sometimes that obsession would be not so innocent.
Right now, I am obsessed with losing weight. I do not think it is the innocent kind either. I must ask myself 187 times a day, "I wonder if I lost any weight this week. Do I feel like I lost weight this week?"
And if I am feeling particularly large, I don't just think, "Oh well maybe next time." I think things like, "How did I get this way?!" and "Why why why can't you just lose this!" and I get angry, and bitter, and pissed off, and tired. I feel like Rainman and I feel like hitting myself over the head repeatedly saying Why why why why why! Charlie Babbit Charlie Babbit Charlie Babbit!
And I want to give up. But that's just the thing. I can't give up because I will feel worse. It would be like a wash then repeat with no end in sight. But if I keep going, I struggle with the mere thought and possibility of doing all that work and seeing no results. What if I am making all of these sacrifices and am ultimately doomed for failure?
I have thrown out all of my littler-sized jeans because I thought that if I fit that size again, I will buy new ones. However, I have kept one pair and I try them on every day thinking maybe today is the day. But every time I try them on I realize it is not, and I feel bad about myself again.
I look in the mirror and think I don't look that bad! I look good today! And then a picture surfaces of myself, say, at my son's birthday party, and I look like a gigantic whale who has beached themselves at the park. And I get knocked down a few pegs.
Why do I torture myself in this way? I have not found the answer to this yet. I even tell myself every day, don't try on those pants yet, silly! But then I picture them sitting in my closet and I think but what if?
I am obsessed. There is no doubt in my mind that this is probably what psychologists would call an unhealthy obsession. But, is this an unhealthy obsession that will actually keep me from my goals? Or is this an unhealthy obsession that will actually propel me, for the last time, into the results I have been obsessing over since I gained those first stubborn pounds during my first pregnancy? (I have already lost the extra pounds I gained with the second pregnancy.) So how can I turn this into a healthy obsession?
Last night, I was so angry about the whole picture that is eating well, losing weight, working out, that I went to bed early to "sleep it off". I don't want to be this angry at myself. I don't want to think about the skinny people who get pregnant and are back to size 0 by the time they get to their 6 week doctor appointment. I don't want to meet new people and have them think that this is who I am. And when I lose the babyphat, they say, Wow! You lost a lot of weight! But really, it's not that I lost weight, it's that I lost the babyweight and I am back to my normal self. And I don't want to be the person that people secretly whisper about, wow she really packed it on when she got pregnant!
I actually get angry at everything. Even my genetics. I actually get mad at my metabolism. Why are you so slow!
So this is my struggle right now. I want my quest for weightloss to be happy and uplifting and I want to look at my children and be happy about my body, whatever size it may be, and think that it did wondrous things in bearing them, and be proud of it and know that its size, in the grand scheme of things really is temporary. And that really, I am an athlete who plays softball and volleyball and racquetball and I will be that person again, (or rather, is still that person! That person didn't go anywhere, did she?)
I also feel bad that those of you who read this blog have pretty much read only about my neverending quest for weightloss lately. It is because I am obsessed! It is all I think about and write about! I'm sorry.
Well, now I am rambling. I guess the only answer is, is just to keep doing this, keep going, even with the pitfalls of self-consciousness. I just wish I had less of an internal struggle and more of an outward perseverance. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I could tell that inner voice SHUT UP ALREADY!
You're right, no one said this would be easy. But my brain is starting to hurt.
Obsession. (Scroll down for Fat Ticker Friday and contest)
https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2008/04/obsession-ps-scroll-down-for-fat-ticker.html?m=0
There we are, toasting to our finish! Cheers! Now...what to do next...
Whew. There. I did it.
It's not the best picture in the world but it's the only one I have for now (I put the camera timer on and ran in front of it.) Oh yes, and I cut my hair! I forgot to mention that months ago. I am growing it back out though, I miss it. It grows quick. Anyhoo.
