The Monday Project: Melody Softly Soaring Through My Atmosphere

It's Friday!

It's almost time.

I think I'm ready.

I spent a lot of time thinking this week. And listening to music. And I found my answer in Death Cab for Cutie. (Did you know a person can sing under water? They can.)

I think I beat my cold, which is good (thank you doctor, for giving me steroid pills, allergy medicine, an inhaler, mucinex, and a partridge in a pear tree...)

This week's Monday Project was about conquering fear and I wrote about it here. I feel like I've come a long way this week. Hope you all are having a wonderful Friday! I'll leave you with the lyrics for my new favorite song: "Soul Meets Body," by Death Cab for Cutie. Go download it. You won't be sorry. (You'll be able to hear what I'm singing in the waves.)

"Soul Meets Body"

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

* * *

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The Monday Project: Melody Softly Soaring Through My Atmosphere

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2010/04/monday-project-melody-softly-soaring.html

On Mental Toughness: TRI, DON'T QUIT

Lightbulb moment of the week: "The more I do it, the less I'll dread it and the less I dread it, the more I'll do it!"- Me on "fear"

The rainy, gray day I met at the pier for our practice swim. And ps. the swim is from where I was standing, down past the end of that pier, then around a buoy to the left, for a while, then back to shore.

* * *

Yesterday I learned that it doesn't matter what level or age you are.

You can still panic.

Like the lady standing next to me just after making a second trip out and around the buoys. Yes, that ripped lady, at least 15 years older than me with a 1/2 Ironman under her belt, even she fell victim to panic. 

Yesterday it was raining. It was a practice in the water where we'll be swimming for the St. Anthony's Triathlon next weekend. Before the swim, I kept my cool. I turned my emotions off. I didn't think about the fact that I was cold or that there was seaweed and dead fish along the beach. I didn't think about anything, except, "Can I do this?"

Usually the voice answers back, "Yes." Yesterday it was wishywashy and intimidated and defeated-sounding and it said, "I don't know."  I ignored it.

I got into the water and started "practice" swimming and then the voice was back again sending that inevitable question to enter my mind. "WHAT THE HELL am I doing???????"

The voice proceeds to tell me I'm crazy. It wonders why I am subjecting myself to this lunacy. And it tells me to flag down the nearest kayak to pluck me out of the water so we can just go home already.

But I kept going. I stopped a couple of times, I got used to the water, I bobbed, I flipped on my back, I caught my breath, I kept moving for the most part. I was one of the very last out of the water. We were going in again.

This time we all ran into the water, like we will on race day. The voice was back again. I couldn't ever shake the panic for the entire swim, and again I stopped a few times. I made it around the buoys and went back to shore. We were done.

I only swam about half of what we'll be swimming next week.

Which means that if I don't get my head on straight, I'm toast.

There were a few people like me, like Ironlady, whose nerves got the better of them. And I put my goggles on to stop myself from crying in front of the 99 other triathletes at the practice swim.

What is this? Is it fear? Is it the depth? Is it seeing the length of the swim spread out before me that overwhelms me? Is it the feeling of not being in control, like I am on land? Was it the murk? Because you all know how I feel about the murk...and there was a degree of murk going on.

And if I can't figure out what it is, how will I fix it?

When I was leaving, I thought to myself, the only solution is to do it more. Because the more I do it, the less I'll dread it and the less I dread it, the more I'll do it!

Funny how that works, isn't it?

This week I'm calling it "Tri, Don't Quit" week and I'm filling up my blog with my motivations to get me through Sunday.

And also, I'm going to be making some mental and physical changes this week and from here on out. Like for instance:

• I'm going on a beer and wine FAST. Unfortunately  That doesn't mean quickly drinking beer and wine. It means no drinking. Until the weekend of June 6th. Which is the weekend of the Team In Training half marathon and I'm only drinking after the race, not before. Which will be very difficult because I'll be with sisters from the Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans, and well, we like to have our fun. But I see not drinking as a training state of mind. It's like shaving my head. Only without the clippers. And the bald head.
• Working on my inner voice, making her a positive inner voice (maybe even giving her a name. Suggestions welcome. And we can't call her "bitch" cause remember, it's actually me.) And just so you know, as I typed the word "name," just now, what came out on the computer first was "man" as in "giving her a 'man'" which was either a total Freudian slip or a mild case of dyslexia. (Maybe she's trying to tell me something here...) But I will not give her permission to speak unless she's going to say something nice. Or she goes in time out. I may even make her say, "Permission to speak, Ma'am!"
• I'm going to schedule and log my workouts on actual paper, in a notebook. Instead of just logging the times on Daily Mile. Which has been helpful, but only partial. I need to dig a little deeper here.
• I'm going to have clearer goals for swimming, for instance, 1 or 2 swim workouts in the ocean per week and only one in the pool and that's for intervals. I need to do swim intervals. They've improved my running immensely, the swim coach I spoke to today said the same goes for swimming. So more ocean swimming. Because the more I do it, the less I'll dread it and the less I dread it, the more I'll do it! See how that works?

I'm going to write down all the snippets of all I read and hear that will help me stay positive through this week and put it here. I hope I don't bore you too much. But I gotta stay focused. And that's what this week's Monday Project is about, coincidentally, so you can join the fun this week! (The link goes live around 1pm EST so come back here to check it out.) All words of wisdom welcome here.

* * *

Please help me fight cancer by donating HERE. I'll even give you a present! Check it out and read about who I'm running for HERE!

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Subscribe to my blog.

On Mental Toughness: TRI, DON'T QUIT

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2010/04/on-mental-toughness-tri-dont-quit.html

Talking About Something I Don't Talk About Much

I am very, very spiritual.

I don't talk about my spirituality often here because I know that there are some people who aren't and who don't like reading about that and I don't want to scare anyone away. But today I'm going to talk about it because I have all of this inside me and I feel like I will explode if I don't. If you're not of the praying kind, that's ok! You may think I'm crazy and I don't mind that either.

I pray all the time. I have conversations with God all the time and whether or not He is in the mood to listen to me, I talk anyway. Very much like I write blog posts and book passages in my head all day long, I pray. That's why sometimes I think my head is a very scary place to be, because it is always talking to someone, it can talk itself into something or out of something and way overthink something.

Then there are the times when I know I should be overthinking something because I am at a crossroads and I need to make a decision.

And that's when instead, I clear my mind and let it all go. God please show me the way. I will do what you want me to do.

And a door will open.

Some people like maybe my husband probably think I am crazy and believe that your mind can will things to happen. I believe that, too. But I do believe in God and I do believe in miracles and I do believe that when I pray for direction, a door eventually opens. It may not be in "my" time, but it always happens. Always.

I have very significant milestones that I have attributed to prayer and every time I pray and an answer comes, it just strengthens my belief that prayer works.

I prayed when I needed to change jobs and direction in my life and eventually made the best move of my life. I prayed for my 2nd baby to reach 41 weeks after having my first come 6 weeks early. And then when I did, indeed, reach 41 weeks and prayed for my water to break yes, it broke that very night. I prayed for answers about why my first child came early. A preemie mom's group started and now I am one of the organizers and we work in our community to help other preemie moms. I pray for direction in my life every day and a road appears.

Yes, a practical mind would think I worked out the answer for myself. But I think it's something more.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a women's retreat at the church I grew up in with my mother. That weekend was a very difficult weekend because there were very difficult personal decisions to be made and there were very specific fears going on in both of our lives and I decided to throw my hands up and let God tell me what to do. I prayed for my family and prayed for an answer. I figured we had the whole weekend to come up with one.

That weekend was cleansing and overwhelming. It opened my eyes. I cried a lot. I heard God's voice. This is the part where you may think I'm crazy.

My mom had chosen the workshops ahead of time. She picked the ones that sounded the best and made the choice on her own. One of the workshops we went to was about reading psalms and meditation. At the end of the class, our speaker turned the lights off and we closed our eyes. She put on a cd that was the sounds of the ocean.

Now, I hadn't gone into this retreat with the thought of praying for my fear of swimming in triathlon. There were deeper family issues at hand and my focus was finding an answer for that. But as I listened to the sounds of the waves lapping, I saw myself standing at the water's edge, putting my toes in it and basking in the sun and the sounds of the ocean. It's one of my very happiest places in the world. And it seems really silly having grown up near the water and being afraid to actually swim in it. But I am. I get that panicky feeling, I don't like looking down below me and I have trouble breathing. It seems really silly but the fear is actually annoying and borderline debilitating. I swam last summer with a group along a causeway and it was murky and gross and there were jellyfish and mud and it was just gross and skeevy. I panicked in one of the swims in the triathlon at the end of last season. I didn't end the season on a high note in the open water. I have been scared ever since. And then there was that shark attack two weeks ago on the east coast. Seriously not helping.

Then as my eyes were closed and I was in my happy place alongside of the beautiful ocean, I saw myself throw myself into the water, backwards, with my arms spread open and joyful, with a happy, childlike smile and laughter, with my hair flying into my face as the water took me in.

I pray a lot for strength and bravery and found myself listening to the ocean and praying once again.

I saw myself frolicking. Like I was a child again. Splashing around and basking in the ocean's happy waves like the ocean was my best friend and we had a lot of catching up to do. The ocean was happy to see me. It took me in and swirled me around and hugged me and I felt like I was home. It's how I used to feel when I was a little girl, boogie boarding and playing in the waves for hours and hours and hours. These moments gave me that feeling again. That peace. That happiness. That childlike fearlessness.

And as I closed my eyes and listened to the seagulls and the waves crashing, I heard a voice and it was very clear. Fear not God's creatures, it whispered.

Then in my head, I swam.

At the end of the class, the speaker gave us each a shell. I cherish that shell because it was given to me as a symbol of courage and bravery.

So you can imagine that in all my spirituality, how amazed I am at just how fitting it is that my first open water swim of the season be on Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. No one ever needs a swim partner to swim during the week in the afternoon, on a day I actually have childcare, but on this day, someone did.

Chance? Maybe.
 
But not to me. I believe with everything in me that I am exactly where I am meant to be, doing exactly what I am meant to do. That is why I can look back at my life and with everything in me, have not a single regret.

Like I said, the answers never come on "my" time. But they always, always eventually come.

On this Ash Wednesday, it is my day to be brave and fearless. Because I'm giving up FEAR for Lent.

* * *
Please help me fight cancer by donating HERE. I'll even give you a present! Check it out and read about who I'm running for HERE!

Follow me on Twitter.
Subscribe to my blog.

Talking About Something I Don't Talk About Much

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2010/02/talking-about-something-i-dont-talk.html