Weeks like this one are a reminder to me about how everything I do takes a conscious decision. A concerted effort.
That being unconscious, or refusing to make conscious decisions, really puts off the inevitable. Which is having to go back to making conscious decisions.
I spend many, many weeks in a year on some sort of an exercise and food plan. It gets redundant. It gets boring. It gets predictible. It gets old. I won't lie. It takes work to find new variations of healthy foods and to find new recipes and to cook and to plan it out. Very often, I find myself in an eating rut. Then sometimes, like this week, I eat my way through it and most of those foods are not on any kind of a plan that someone who is training for anything would eat. And the worst part is, I do this to my children. Because they eat what I eat. I send them messages that this is ok.
And I watch the calories go past my lips and as I'm watching that ticker go up (because I know how many calories each thing I am eating is) the numbers go up fast, like the numbers on an odometer spinning wildly and I don't put the brakes on.
And while I'm doing all that, of course I don't work out. Because we're busy! How can I fit working out into a busy travel schedule?! I mean, no one does that! It's impossible! (sarcasm.)
The gentle reminder about my consciousness or rather, unconcsiousness, comes a few days later when I step on the scale and the news is not good. I am reminded that I have to make a conscious decision just to do the small things, to put on my workout gear, to substitute a lower calorie hotdog instead of the full-fat kind, to plan my travel meals and snacks and to simply find the time to work out. That it's not impossible. But I have to be conscious.
Now I have to backtrack. All the hard work I have done has to be redone. All the miles I've logged have to be re-racked. All the calories I've burned have to be re-burned. That's the unfortunate part.
But, it's a small price to pay for a "gentle" reminder, right? Because there's nothing like a number on a scale to remind you of where you could go if you're not careful and I take the news with mixed feelings. I am scared of where I'm headed if I don't stop. I just plain feel gross and big, all those same feelings I used to just eat my way through long ago, but I am relieved a little that I am conscious enough to know now that I can catch it early. But, it resurrects all that bitterness inside me, the bitterness around the fact that no I cannot eat everything I want anytime I want to and yes, I will pay for it later. That's just how my body works. I hate that, I have always hated that and I will always hate that. Most times I just get over it and move on, but today, there it is! Waving its hands in my face! Lingering.
This is a cycle of ups and downs. The weight-loss journey never really does end. It just goes in a different direction. Of course, this reminder means it could certainly put me back at the beginning if I don't stop now. And I don't want to be back there. I don't ever want to be back there. I was so unhappy back there. That just wasn't me.
I'm not the give-up type. But sometimes I really, really want to. Even now, almost at maintenance, the journey doesn't get much easier. But the hard is what makes it good, right? It's what makes the ending so much sweeter. Now that's an ironic adjective.
Well, the alarm's ringing now. It's time to wake up and break the cycle. I've been unconscious long enough. I made a conscious effort to pack my stuff and put my bathing suit on and I made a conscious effort to eat a healthy breakfast. I have about a dozen more conscious decisions to make before I go to bed tonight (like lunch, dinner, snacks, dessert -- or no dessert-- planning for tomorrow, and food shopping) so wish me luck mkay?
Monday
Unconscious
Wednesday
Weigh-In Wednesday: The Post-Race Version (You know what that means)
In following with true Christie O. traditions, I have, again, gained weight after last Saturday's triathlon, followed by our longest Team In Training run yet, the 10 miler. For some reason, I gain weight after a tri (I'm going to have to do some scientific research on this) and it disappears on Thursday or Friday but it never disappears by Wednesday, which is, unfortunately weigh-in day. Today, I'm up 1.5. Suck.
So in keeping with the tradition and in lieu of I-knew-it-was-going-to-happen-I'm-sorry-dear-teammates, I'm looking at the cup half full here and going with the non-scale victories.
As in, like, I ran 10 miles. And I did it without wanting to entirely die! Usually my breathing gives out before my legs, but this time, even the first 1/2 mile of the run didn't suck, the whole thing went fantastic! And it was beautiful out and I ran and I ran and I ran and at one point yes, it did feel like it was forever but that's because it was, it was an hour and 42 minutes of just running. And stopping just once to take a picture of this:
And this:
Two separate (and huge) guys swimming in the bay! It wasn't even a lake it was a tiny inlet of the actual bay! Crazy gators.
It took me 1 hour and 42 minutes and the only part that stunk was the massive migraine I had for the rest of the day (exercising for long periods of time tends to trigger migraines in me, and boy, you learn a lot about your body when you do these things.)
Anyway, the other NSV was my first triathlon of the season last Saturday! I swam 1/2 mile, biked 10 miles and ran 4 miles in 1:32, beating my last swim by 3 minutes and instead of running 3 miles in 30 minutes, I ran 4 miles in 34 minutes! Which honestly makes me question the actual length of the run, because that pace just doesn't seem possible to me, I am thinking they are probably off by at least a third of a mile.
It was kind of a rough food weekend as I give myself a freebie on race days (BBQ-yum!) but then there was the little issue of my son's birthday party on Sunday (which honestly didn't go that bad, little cake, little pizza...ok maybe the chips and coke weren't necessary) and then Monday, which was his actual birthday and he requested hot dogs... But by Tuesday my body was rejecting all bad food and it craved plain grilled chicken and rice and plain cheerios, and plain goodness. Plain plain plain.
That's all for today. I have so much to post that's tri-related, like my race report and my swim updates and pictures and stuff that's just plain old life-related, because even when all my events are all over it still feels like there's always stuff going on, and well, life is getting in the way of my blogging. What I really want is one full day to just write and write and write. Anyway... cheers to another week, and my weight-loss by Friday. Ha!
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