The Post That Almost Wasn't

Last week, I went back.

I walked the second-floor hallway for the first time in 3 1/2 years.

The one I had walked down so many times, at every hour of the day or night, even in my pajamas and robe. Going to visit my tiny baby in the NICU, to talk to him, to sing to him, to hold him or feed him the bottles of milk that I was pumping for him around the clock.

When we left that Friday in April of 2005, I prayed I'd never return.

And I didn't.

My second child came on time, in the same hospital, and I avoided that hallway on that floor.

I was so happy.

This year, life took me back to that hospital, and to that very floor. To families who have their babies right now in the NICU. It was time to complete my circle. To help families walking the very hallway I walked, on the very same journey I took.

It was so much harder than I ever thought.

After the shower we threw for the families, I thought it was time for me to go visit the 2nd floor NICU. I had brought some little buckets full of candy that my mom's group had put together for the staff and I was going to bring them down myself.

It was time.

I could have given them to the NICU social worker to give them. But something inside me made me go. Needed to go.

I thought I had prepared myself. After all, we didn't spend a whole two weeks there, it really shouldn't be that hard. Should it?

So I walked the walk. Across the hospital, up the elevator, making a right turn toward the NICU instead of the left turn, where the healthy babies were in the newborn nursery. And each turn brought back pain. So much pain. An unbearable amount of pain. It was getting hard to breathe.

My hands lost feeling. I was terribly numb. I was nauseous.

It was awful.

It was more awful than I can even express and the word "awful" is the only word I can come up with for just how terrible I felt to be there again.

No, there wasn't closure. There wasn't anything except a terrible rush of painful memories, and the noise, my God the noise, the beeping, the darkness, standing next to the nurses station and trying to force a smile while handing them their homemade gifts and all I felt was the need to pass out.

My legs were weak. My knees were buckling. I couldn't breathe and the urge to sob uncontrollably was overwhelming.

It. Was. Awful.

It was all exactly how I remembered it. Every isolette, every section, every wire, every machine, every chair. I was surprised how actual and how vivid my memory of it was. Because when you go through something like that, it feels like you're walking through everything in a fog. So afterward, you wonder if whatever it is you remember is really accurate.

But it was all still there, just like in my head, 3 1/2 years later. Only this time, there were other mommies with that same lost look on their faces, their bellies still swollen where their babies were supposed to still be right now, just sitting there, helpless, next to their babies, watching. Praying.

At the exact spot where my baby was, a mother held her child while daddy snuggled up close to them.

I had sat in that chair. In that very spot.

My heart cried.

I don't know what I had expected. I thought maybe my memories wouldn't match up, that maybe when I had seen the place where my baby slept and lay waiting for me for all those days, that I could let it all go, once and for all. Like a butterfly. Like a balloon. And send my painful memories with it. My memories of a failed pregnancy. My guilt. My sadness. My broken heart for having failed my child before he was even born. My pain of leaving the hospital without him. The fear I had after his rough entry into this world. I wanted so badly for that to all finally go away along with all of the noise in my head.

But instead, I was so overwhelmed that it physically hurt.

I stifled all my feelings until I got home and I sobbed in my husband's arms until I had no more tears left.

I needed to compose myself before sitting down and writing about it. I almost didn't. But I had to.

I learned something that day. I learned that even though we forget so much, that some memories will never ever lessen. They will remain as vivid as the day we experience them.

And that's ok. No, I can't let the memories go. But I can look at my shiny, healthy, little three-year-old ball of energy and know that indeed, I didn't fail him. That instead, I gave him everything I had when he needed me, every second of me that I could and loved him with everything that I had and more than I ever even knew I had. And still do.

More importantly, I know that it wasn't my fault.

Today is Prematurity Awareness Day.

The research by the March of Dimes is very likely why I had a full-term baby my second pregnancy. It is why my son, who was born at 34 weeks, came home from the hospital in less than two weeks. It is why preemies who are born at 24 weeks can survive today.

Today and tomorrow and for the rest of my life, I will fight for preemies.
Until there is no reason to ever walk down that hallway, or sit in that chair, I will fight.

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The Post That Almost Wasn't

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/11/post-that-almost-wasnt.html

How Has Motherhood Changed You?

A question for my mothering friends...

I was drying my hair and thinking because there are two places where I do most of my thinking and one of them is while drying my hair.

The other is in the shower. I planned an entire department restructure in the shower once. No joke.

Anyway, I was drying my hair and I was thinking about my bathroom and how it, among other things, needs some serious renovation. Which led me to thinking about my shower curtain and how it is cute, but really just sub-par. As far as shower curtains go. It needs some umph. I know, picky picky. And about shower curtains no less. Which led me to thinking about how excited I am about the new sewing machine I got from my mom for my birthday!!!!!!! (Which is actually Thursday, by the way, and yes, gifts accepted. I'm kidding.) And then it got me to thinking about my husband laughing at me when I was so excited while opening up my new sewing machine (first the front loaders, now a sewing machine) and how he said to me while shaking his head, "My how you've changed."

He says that a lot lately and I always wonder if he thinks that's a good thing but I suppose he'd let me know if it wasn't in some way. Maybe he'd make a face or say something like, "Oh go SEW SOMETHING" if he was like that but he's not. (I don't sew yet either anyway. It's still in the box waiting for this weekend when it will take its maiden voyage.)

Which all led me to thinking about why I've changed and what exactly it was that changed me. And it was one answer, of course.

Motherhood.

Motherhood is why I started cooking, decorating, nesting, and finding other hobbies because I was no longer working. For a paycheck, anyway.

So I started listing off the ways I've changed in my head, all while drying my hair.

Ways that motherhood has changed me:

1. My boys first. Anything else, always, second.
2. Career on hold followed by short identity crisis, followed by coming out the other side, happy and different.
3. Different how? That's the reason for the list after all..
4. I cook and I've actually gotten pretty good at it. The turning point for me when I decided I was actually a pretty good cook was when I could make a decent gravy. Before the gravy, I was scared of making it. It clumped, it was too flour-y, I could never get that "rich" taste. But then I
"got it". Followed by a pretty kickass white sauce. That I don't make anymore because I'm off gravy for a while. At least until Thanksgiving.
5. I enjoy making centerpieces and tablescapes and hosting holidays with placecards and festive recipes and signature cocktails and desserts.
6. I like to do things like napkin-folding and have gotten a book on it for Christmas.
7. I take a millionandahalf more pictures and would love to see if it could turn into something.
8. I used to think that my "meaning in life" was simply my family. Of course it is, but I've realized it's even more than that. I believe that my "meaning in life" is living a full life, appreciating every moment of it, learning and doing everything I can and showing my children how to do the same. That and being nice.
9. I write a lot more now than I did as a "writer". Mostly about things I'm passionate about. A lot of it doesn't show up on here, but I do a lot of it.
10. I am a room mom at my son's preschool. I know. Me? Yeah. Me.
11. I want to start a fitness group called IronMommies, so I can train for endurance races with other mommies like me who are doing it to lose weight and/or stay fit. I am waiting for the right time but I think it's close.
12. I do things like endurance races. I know. Me? Yeah.
13. I now own a sewing machine because I was inspired to fix my shower curtain by a Better Homes and Gardens decorating magazine and I cannot sleep until I fix it up. Seriously.
14. I am actually getting in shape up in here but it's actually been a lifestyle change as opposed to the latest crash/fad diet of my many pounds past.
15. I love home improvement projects even if I groan about them while doing them.
16. My day consists of taking one to preschool, the other to Gymboree, blogging, working out, cooking dinner, rinse and repeat. And I.love.it.
17. Having a preemie made me passionate about helping others who have had one and I'm part of a preemie moms group which is working on projects to help families in the NICU.
18. I am more excited about GymBucks and front loaders than I am about happy hour.
19. I am the only stay at home mom on my Monday night softball team. And the only one who owns a minivan.
20. I care about having a clean house with clean floors, clean laundry, and paying bills on time. These qualities definitely did not make an appearance until motherhood. Just ask my parents about my bedroom growing up.

But of course, most of those are just surface things, right? What the list actually represents to me, though, is that had I not done this motherhood thing and continued on the career path (because one always looks back and analyzes her choices), I might not have ever paid much attention to things like cooking (I'd probably still be making my standard ziti and then ordering out) or decorating (can we say "futon"?) or sewing or photography or triathlon or the March of Dimes and families who have had preemies or good credit or making the bed and being responsible and careful and patient. And they've all become things I have not just learned but have actually become passionate about that honestly I never knew I had in me. Not to mention the fact that just looking at my little boys' faces can move me to tears because they are so special and perfect and mine and the very thought of anything other than perfect happiness for them makes my insides hurt. That alone has been known to change a person.

When my husband says I'm different, different from the partying 20-something-career-woman-go-getter, I agree with him that definitely I am indeed different. I used to wonder for myself if that was a good thing, but now I just know. It is neither good nor bad. It's just different. With a side of domestic. I am still driven, but I'm driven in different ways about different things. I am glad that I retained that property of myself, even through the changes that motherhood brought me. Because I love that part.

So. What do you think? How has motherhood changed you?

How Has Motherhood Changed You?

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/09/how-has-motherhood-changed-you.html

Fresh

It's amazing to me how fresh memories can be. If I let them.

It was early Sunday morning and my three-year-old got up at his normal six-ish something with his normal wake up call which is opening up our door and exclaiming, "I'm a fireman!" As if we didn't know, of course.

I'm guessing my husband was already kind of awake and just laying there like he sometimes does because he bounded cheerily out of bed saying, "Why don't we snuggle on the couch and watch Fireman Sam!" to which my son squeeled with delight.

I thought, Sweet. He's got it covered. I'm just gonna close my eyes then, for just a few minutes.

Two hours later...

At 8 o'clock, which is totally sleeping in these days, I wake up in my own homemade Folger's commerical, smelling that coffee that's been brewed (my elixer! Yay!) And my 22 month old Mini, who recently learned that not only can he now reach door knobs, his tiny hands are now capable of turning them and opening them (to my chagrin), flings the door open yelling, "Mama!!!" and runs toward the side of the bed where I could only see the top of his head and one hand reaching up at me.

I've still got the sleepies in my eyes and my hair is like Medusa but knowing I have the happiness that is a full cup of coffee in my future, I pull him up and he nestles his head into my armpit and snuggles me and for a moment I close my eyes and remember those very first days. The sleepless ones, where he would wake me up around 7 to nurse and afterward, he'd fall asleep on my chest and I'd struggle with whether to chance waking him up by putting him back down in the bassinet or snuggle until he woke up again to eat. On the weekend, when my husband would be home to watch the other one, I'd choose snuggle.

I would feel his tiny breaths on my chest, feel his chest moving up and down next to mine, the soft flutter of his heart and the softness of his babyskin. I'd lay there with my tiny son as the sun would start to creep in through the white curtains in my bedroom, the birds would begin their morning songs, and I'd gently rub one tiny foot that would poke out of his little sleeper gown.

On this morning, that memory was so fresh I could just feel the autumn upon me despite the still 90-degree Augustness that it really was. There was a stillness to those mornings, a peacefulness that was a new morning after a sleepless night, where for just a couple hours, there was a satisfied, sleepy baby with a full belly and a safe place next to his mama. Ahh. Heaven.

Those were wonderful mornings and I remember them so vividly that I actually feel like I am there, in that moment again fully, if I just close my eyes.

Later that very same day, as I was reading one of my very favorite blogs, a post stirred more memories of something entirely different. It was late and my husband had already gone to bed. I was about to shut down but I read her post about how she and her husband are going to help support parents with children in the NICU through an organization they founded.

I left my comment, and began to read the comments of the 200 others before me (yes, she is a very powerful writer and blogger who has found such meaning through tragedy and quite a following to say the least), most of them talking about their own experience in the NICU and for a few minutes, there I was, right back there myself. I hadn't gotten through but three comments of other mommies before the immediacy of everything, the terror of giving birth to a baby too early, the unknowing, the crying, the alarms, the rushing, and the panic, all set in.

I closed my eyes and decided I would let it sit in my mind for a minute because it was a memory that was mine and I should never rush to put them away. Then I thought about how wonderful everything turned out, how happy everyone is, how healthy my son is, and how the only real problem with my son being born early was how difficult it was for me. Physically, everything was fine. It was me who couldn't seem to get past it at the time. And with that, I put it away, logged off and went to bed.

But I lay awake, finding my mind cluttered and wandering and before long, I found myself in my bed, home without my baby, the one night I had decided to leave the hospital to get rest because I had been sleeping at the hospital even after I was discharged (they had let me pay each night to stay there if there was a room available). Oh the emptiness that is leaving the hospital without your baby. The failure. The sadness. It all rushed back and blanketed me. Just as if it were really happening. Three and a half years later, so vivid. So fresh. And overwhelming. Crocodile tears started flowing from my eyes, uncontrollably, silently overtaking me. Even though, across the house, a healthy three-year-old was asleep soundly in his bed.

Right at that moment, Mini, who never wakes up at night, started whimpering. His whimpers turned to cries, and I wiped my tears and checked the monitor. He was up for some reason, and really upset about something. So I went to his room to check on him and it was really much ado about nothing. He was bothered by something but I never did figure out what, so we snuggled for just a little while in the rocking chair until he fell asleep and I put him back in his crib.

Because how would he, how could he, know his mother was sad, thinking about what was once, right at that moment? How did he know that his needing comfort was really the comfort his mother needed right then?

But it was. It was perfect. His timing, really was impeccable.

Sigh.

So many memories are put away, tightly wrapped, zipped up and locked only to resurface when we least expect it, aren't they? Some of them we try to forget, others just fade away like the seasons. I am sad to think they could be lost if I let them. What if nothing comes along to open the safe? They might always stay there right where I put them.

Even the pain of a memory is sometimes a good memory, to me. It reminds me to feel or that I once felt. It reminds me of who I am today and why. It reminds me of how blessed I am in every way, even if it's just knowing that I am able to feel. Because to feel something, anything, is so much more than feeling nothing. And I think, despite how painful some of my memories are, I'd so much rather feel something.

Fresh

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/08/fresh.html

Before and After: My Friend Jen (Part Two)

Jen is the best.

It feels like we've been friends forever and a day. I wish I could tell half of the stories about the two of us hanging out, but well, let's just say, she's trouble.

We rented a house together in Hunter Mountain in upstate New York one winter with about 100 people. Or close.It was a pretty nasty house come to think of it (sorry Jen) but it was a steal. It was right across the street from the only dance club in Hunter and we skiied, oh, about once. (But we did make it to the lodge, if that counts...) And that one time we did ski, I got pummeled from behind by some young kid flying down the bunny hill screaming his head off, arms a-flailing and completely out of control. I had a yard sale (you know, when all of your skis and poles and everything fly off in every direction). I've been scarred mentally ever since.

Jen's broken two bones in her life and both times they were when I was around.

I must be a lucky charm. Seriously.

First one was her wrist or finger or something, about 12 years ago, I can't even remember now but it was when we were rollerblading in Miami Beach and not attending any of the conferences for our National Broadcast Society thingy we were actually there for. (Yeah, go ahead and try to have a conference for college students in Miami Beach. I dare you.)
We're old, but there's still old and grainy documentation of that trip going on right here. One of my many hairstyles shown here too.

The second incident was about 6 years later, when we were living in New York and we went out one night and she left the club before me, fell on her face while crossing the street drunk in chunky shoes, and when I got home, there she was, bloodied in my stairwell. Broken foot. Oh the good times.

Man, you should see us now. Hardly recognizable as our former selves.

(Still hot, though.)

We're all mommied up and staying at home with our sons. Yep. A ton in common, including having preemies. Within a year of each other.

Her son was born less than a year after mine, at 30 weeks. I remember when I got the call from her husband that night when she was going into labor. I hung up the phone and screamed, "Noo!!!!!" and I broke down. I couldn't sleep all night. All I could do was wait for the sun to come up so I could call and check in. I prayed a lot that night.

I kept going through it in my mind: what could I bring? What could I do? I had just walked this path myself and I wasn't sure what it would be like for her. I didn't know what road they would have.

And I got angry. Because, why? WHY! Why was this happening to her? Why did this have to happen? Why??? Why! Why!

And the truth is, we still don't know, she doesn't know, her doctors don't know, no one knows. That's pretty much the way it goes with prematurity. There are no real answers. So the guilt and the sadness and the fear, it all goes together and never really gets answered and so without the mystery being solved, it never really goes away. But you know what? Still she laughs. And that's why I love her.

She's always made me laugh. (Although I'm the one with the wide-mouth-frog joke...)

And her healthy perpective on having a preemie is so refreshing. Because there are so many scary and sad stories out there that it's important to be able to laugh when you can. Or even when you shouldn't or can't.

* * *

Join the Before and After Party by clicking the button and signing the linky! Or e-mail me your before and after pictures of absolutely anything and I'll post it right here!!! Party ends Saturday! By the way, buy anything at my Etsy shop, Inspire Me Chic, until Saturday and all proceeds go to the March of Dimes!

Before and After: My Friend Jen (Part Two)

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/04/before-and-after-my-friend-jen-part-two.html

The Party

Hi there! (Insert appropriate photo of me waving below.)

So ok, it's Friday night. It's approximately 9:30 p.m. right now as I type this.

I'm still in my pajamas.

As in, the same thing I wore to bed Thursday night.

I know, right?

But whatever. I fully intend on showering in like 20 minutes, after I hit publish. Good thing we don't have smellovision yet. (In a couple years, I'll look back at this post and say, "Remember when we didn't have smellovision yet? I can't even remember what that was like!" Kind of like with cell phones and laptops. And everyone will have to be showered and perfumed before logging onto the computer...)

So I'll start with the best part:

We raised almost 1,000 dollars at Rock Out 4 Babies!

Yes we did! Woohoo! Woohoo! Woohoo!! And the tv station was there too:

That's Jen. She blogs at 4 W Questions about her little supercute little man who was born 10 weeks early. We planned this thing together. Sidebar: Jen and I went to college together and then a few years later found out we were living in New York/slash/New Jersey at the same time. Then it turned out we both had boyfriends we met in college and we were both doing the long distance thing with them. And both of our long-distance boyfriends were refusing to commit. And that was ok with us because we broke up with them. And then we partied. And then we ended up marrying them and moving back here to Florida to be with them. And then we both went on to have children (within a year of each other) and they were both boys and they were both preemies. (Much more on that later -- but you have to admit, it is pretty eery, actually, how parallel our lives are.)

But as you can imagine, we've become dear, dear friends (even though I actually knew her husband before I knew her!) and we planned this Guitar Hero Competition-fundraiser together.

I suspect no matter what crowd turned out, one would always wish it were bigger and that more people came. You measure an event's success by how close you are to having the fire department called because of having a dangerously high occupancy. And unfortunately, no one was calling in the fire marshall on us. But we did have dozens, as opposed to hundreds, and the people who did come were very generous with their support, and no matter what, I have to call this event a success because of that. More than that, though, I think everyone had a blast, I know I did!

And among the Guitar Hero-playing crowd, the number of "Easy Level" players greatly outnumbered the "Expert". In fact there were only two dudes on the Expert level, so you can guess who played in the head to head battle for the grand prize.

Here's one of them (and yes, we made them wear the red feather boa and matching red feather hat. Because if you're going to be a rock star, these are the things you wear. And it wouldn't be an event by Christie if someone didn't have to do something a little kooky at some point. Kind of like talking about having Simon Cowell in their living room.)
There they are, the two dudes. And those were the prizes, an acoustic guitar donated generously by Sam Ash, and an XBox Guitar Hero Guitar and game. We had a lot of other prizes that other sponsors donated for raffles so everyone got a chance to get something fun.

So when we figured out that there were only two really good players and a whole lotta really kind of ok but pretty much beginner players, we played for fun for a while and did a less-competition, more rock out type a thing, until the end when we brought the Experts out again to battle. And only one emerged victorious. But they both got prizes. It's all about charity here.

There was a stage and everything, and Jen's husband owns a production company and he supplied the plasma tvs and the sound system (and his time, thank you T!), and the bar/restaurant he DJs for on the side generously donated the buffet and the room we used. It was amazing how wonderful and generous everyone was in helping us in our fundraiser, including the wonderful women in our preemie mom's group, and how smoothly it all came together. I can't wait until next year because I can already see this event times 1,000.

So it was a blast! The walk is next week, and we'll still be doing Before and Afters all week! (Post anything before-and-after on your blog and link it up right here or e-mail me any before and after pictures and a story and I'll post them right here for everyone!)

* * *

I have to say thank you, again, so much to everyone who has donated to the March of Dimes through this blog so far, I truly truly heart you for your support. There are touching and heartbreaking stories about women, babies, and families everywhere who are or have been affected by prematurity and I don't think I have ever been this passionate about anything in my life. It hits me at my very core. When I think about it even for a second, it brings tears to my eyes and not even because of my experience (because in all my conversations with other preemie moms, our situation was a blessing in comparison.)

I think about the mommy who was released from the hospital tonight, today, a few hours ago, who is walking through the door of her home without her baby. The nursery is done, or maybe it's so early they haven't even gotten to it yet, and she is at home, right now, silently heartbroken. It breaks me. There are families tonight who are grieving right at this very moment, they're all cried out, they're sleepless, and they're praying. Like the family of baby Madeline who passed away this week. Every day I read her mother's unbelievable, strong, heavy-hearted words and I cry, with tears flowing. And Kayleigh Anne Freeman, who was born weighing just one pound and has undergone an incredible journey. She just underwent surgery and the Freeman's Video Blogged about it yesterday and it is just so beautiful of them to open up and share their family with all of us. Please send your prayers to them, the strength of these families is like nothing I could ever describe in words. We are all trying to raise money for the March of Dimes because this money supports research that might one day provide us answers to why this happens, and if this research spares even one baby from being born prematurely, it is worth it. For every reason in the world. So it doesn't matter if you support me or support them or anyone else, please just support the March of Dimes, anywhere you can, you all make a difference.

Love.

The Party

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/04/party.html

After the Show, Video Included (DON'T LAUGH!)

OK honestly, it wouldn't be me if I didn't say something that afterward, I thought, "What on earth did I just say? And why would I say that?"

I was on our local FOX station promoting our event, Rock Out 4 Babies, A Guitar Hero Competition. I was so nervous all day. I went out and got a new outfit, I got a Starbucks on the way in, and when I pulled into the parking lot, it was like putting on an old hat that fit so nicely after all these years with the bill folded just how you like it.

And it was really great to see all of my old co-workers and step into a newsroom again. Boy do I miss it. I wouldn't change anything, but I do miss it. I felt like sitting down and logging onto the computer and churning out some stories. The same people are even still there since all the way back when I was an intern a hundredty years ago.

I was a guest on the "Lightning Round" where they have a roundtable discussion about buzzworthy stories that are kind of interesting, like, for instance, American Idol, specifically about whether or not Simon would stay for next season. And to which (as in many of my finer moments) I rambled off something about how if Simon were standing in my living room, I'd ask him for advice.

????

What?

My point being that I like him on the show and I like his comments, but a point which, I fear, did not get translated quite as I had thunk it. Just know that as you're watching, you can literally see the blip in my brain as the words were coming out that said something like, "Where are you going with this, Christie?" but I just kept going...

I don't know why I do this, but it happens. It always has. I was cringing as I watched it playing back to me on the news, watching it through my fingers. Sometimes I make no sense. That's just me. That's why I'm a writer and not a speaker.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) for me, anyone who might be watching who knows me knows that I probably couldn't escape a situation like this without saying at least one of something ridiculous. OK without further ado, here's my performance. My blog video debut. In person. The real thing. Remember. Don't laugh. It's for the babies.

And by the way, can I just say that I never ever like how I look on tv? I don't think I look this bad in pictures or in person, but on tv, I just don't like it. It has nothing to do with skinny vs. fat or anything like that, I just feel like I get manvoice and a nervous giggle and really the camera was on the "bad side" of my face...

Overall, I didn't say everything I had wanted to say because I had one minute and my brain couldn't compute it all in that tiny little fragment of a second they gave me to talk and before I knew it, that was the wrap! But it really kind of went ok except for the face thing and the Simon thing. The point was talking about our event tonight and we did that.

Oh I so hope people will come. We've been working so hard on this! I'm all nervous, I've planned things before but I've never held a Guitar Hero competition. I hope that everyone will stay in the spirit of the charity and not get all "gamey" and sticklery about the actual competition. I just want it to be good times, good food and drinks and lots of money for babies. I will be armed with my camera of course!

Got a Before and After? Post a picture and a story and leave the link HERE or e-mail them to me and I'll post them! It's BEFORE AND AFTER WEEK here at Baby Tea Leaves!

After the Show, Video Included (DON'T LAUGH!)

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/04/after-show.html

Breaking News!

OK not really, but guess what??? I'm going to be on the local FOX station tonight to promote our fundraiser for the March of Dimes! (OK this is a potpourri post because I am ADD today. I apologize.) So me and the moms from my preemie moms group are putting on a big Guitar Hero competition tomorrow night (Rock Out 4 Babies! And here it is on Facebook)and I am NERVOUS about all of it! I used to work at the FOX station and they are letting me come on their 11 o'clock news to talk about the event. I know everyone, so I have that on my side, but still, I'm nervous! About everything! I'm nervous about being on tv, about whether people will come to our event, about whether we can pull it off without any kinks, and most of all, nervous about whether or not we will raise some money! And I'm nervous about tonight (did I say that already?) and what I will wear (what am I going to wear?????!!!!!) and what I will say (or forget to say in my one minute!)

OK. Breathe.

I'm going to breathe.

And try not to think about it. It will all go ok, right? Right. How could it not, really?

So that's what's going on today and why this post is so late.

And I almost forgot, it is also weigh-in day.. Ok I totally didn't forget. I actually have something good to report and I don't know how or why or when it happened, but somehow, even despite the Easter madness, have managed to lose 2 1/2 pounds. Umm. What????

Jillian, did you do this?

Maybe. Because that's the only thing I've done differently. Except that I did not make it to my other gym appointments (hello, triathlon training, have we met? Because I remember seeing you at some point and even spending quite a bit of time with you, but it seems we just haven't connected these days...) And I will confess, Jillian and I haven't met up in a few days either. *Gasp!* I'm sorry guys. I've slacked. And what does that mean, do my 30 days have to start over? Maybe I should just reset the clock. Anyway, that was a happy surprise this morning and it will be nice too because I am seeing all my old co-workers for the first time in oh, about three years! I'm nervoushappy about that too...

So in the spirit of the Before and After Party, consider today one big "Before", and hopefully, for tomorrow, I will post the "After", if I can find the link to the segment somewhere online and I will post it for all of you to see.

And if you wanna play in the Before and After Party, all you have to do is post a before and after of literally anything (I've been doing it all week...), yourself, your marriage, dead plants, whatever... and then click HERE for the master linky and visit other people who have done it too! The party is going on for a little over a week, it's in honor of my little Poops who was born 6 weeks early and just turned three years old and we're raising money for the March of Dimes! (Click here to sponsor me and you get my "strength, courage, discipline" bracelet!)

Have a happy Wednesday! I'll post the link if I get it!

Breaking News!

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/04/breaking-news.html

A Party! A Party! And You're Invited!!!

*Sigh* I've done a lot of soul baring on this blog and my old blog, The Mis-Adventures of Captain Poopy (back when there was only one Poopy). A lot of it was sappy and sad. That's what prematurity, preeclampsia and postpartumness do to you I guess.

But these days, it's all happy times and good stuff. That's why I'm throwin' a party up in here!

I'm gonna do a lot of "rememberwhens" and I hope you'll join me!

Here, I'm gonna splain.

My first child, affectionately named Poops (well not really, I'm not that cruel) was born 6 weeks early. I had preeclampsia, I gained 20 pounds in two weeks and my face looked like a giant puffy football (along with the rest of me.) My blood pressure was out of control, I was seeing sparkles, and the swelling. My GAWD the swelling. One night, my water just broke. And that was it. I was introduced to prematurity and ever since it's been my dream, my goal, my mission to raise money for the March of Dimes to do anything I can to spare any family the grief, the complication, the expense and the overall heartbreak that it is to have a premature baby.

I will spare you the details of the NICU stay and what it's like to have a baby that you don't get to see or hold for hours or days or weeks or months, I'll share that later. But for now, I wanna get this party started on a high note!

Because I don't want it to be all woe-is-me (oh we'll probably have some a dat later) but parties are about fun!! So what are we all going to do at this party??? We're gonna get to know each other! And there are two ways to join!

The first way:

-You can post a before-and-after picture OF ANYTHING AT ALL on your blog and then leave the link on Mr. Linky right here! It can be of ANYTHING! You can post one of you before you graduated high school with your giant puffy hair, and you can post your now-picture. You can post a picture of the lovely beautiful plants you bought a few weeks ago that have since gone to the giant garden in the sky (I may know a thing or two about this...) You can post sentimental pictures and remember someone you love, you can post the "single" you and the "married" you. You can post your before and after in your weightloss, anything! Anything that even remotely deals in the beforeandafters is all fair game! I will have a permanent linky up for you to sign so you can visit others and others can visit you!

The second way:

-E-mail me your before-and-afters and I will post them here! I will go on a posting frenzy if I have to! Send me your picture and a short story about it at: christieo_7 at msn dot com.

That's it! I will share with you some stories about my preemie, but I will also share some stories about me -- before and after. I may even show you some of my helmet-hair from high school, who knows. It could get pretty crazy. Throughout the week I will also be featuring families of premature babies and their stories. It's kind of like a blog telethon. What's the point of this?? I believe in the before and after. Anytime life is difficult in some way, the only thing that gets me through, is the after. (This even works with a bad haircut.) I believe in the silver lining, the "when one door closes..." thing, the cup half full, all of that. And that's what this party's about!

There is no cover to the party, but I am walking for babies on April 25th and I would love it if you would sponsor me. You can click the link here or there's a little button on the top left side of my blog for you to do that if you are so kind. And everyone who donates will get this:

It's my silicone bracelet that I love so much, with the message, "Strength, Focus, Discipline". No donation is too small, seriously. Especially for a cause I am truly devoted to.

The party starts Monday, April 19th (Mantra Monday here) and goes alll the way to Saturday the 27th! In between, my preemie moms group is throwing a Guitar Hero benefit (we're giving away a guitar! If you're in the Tampa area that day...) and I'll post pictures of that big party too! So let's have a little fun here! Let's party for a good cause!!!!

A Party! A Party! And You're Invited!!!

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2009/04/party-party-and-youre-invited.html

In My Glory

There are few times in life when you are fortunate enough to recognize what a wonderful place you are in one certain moment, where you can stop, breathe in deeply, take notice of this moment, relish it, and think, "I am meant to be right here, right now."

I had that moment this weekend. Followed by a moment of overwhelming blessing and thankfulness.

Remember that March of Dimes baby shower I've been talking about so much? This weekend we got together to start organizing. It's being headed by a NICU nurse who also had a preemie, who is getting a program off the ground to help NICU families far beyond this shower, something which is necessary and needed, but a call that has gone unanswered for so long.

This weekend we stuffed some of the gift bags that we're giving to the mommies.

I have been wanting to do something like this for mommies since I got home from the hospital with my 2 year old, who was six weeks early. The giftbags contain a onesie that says "NICU Graduate", a little March of Dimes bear, a journal, a book, some keepsakes, booties, washclothes, preemie hats, and the donations that were sent by you that either went in the bags or will be raffled off as door prizes for some of the games. And thank you, Pubsgal, so much for your sweet gift! Some mommy and baby is going to enjoy this so much!!

When I took my childbirth class at my hospital, I remember our tour of the NICU had to be canceled for some reason or other. I didn't know why then, but in hindsight I am sure it was because they were getting in a new baby and they closed the whole unit down as they so often do when a new baby came in. But I remember thinking, oh I won't have to know this place anyway, that place is for other babies. Not mine.

I mean, intensive care unit. That's a scary name, right? Only people under some sort of scary unknown weird circumstances go there. Right?

Until one time when I had a pregnancy that wasn't going quite right and then one night, it was me. My baby. My little purpley-colored baby who was whisked away in a scary flutter of activity that left me exhausted, terrified, and staring at four blank walls with two equally as shocked people standing on both sides of me, my mother and my husband, in an empty room, with no baby. And all of a sudden, silence.

For six hours, I had no idea whatsoever what was happening with my baby. I wasn't allowed to go see him or move. There were no updates because they were working on him, wires, breathing tube, and there was nothing to tell me yet. These were some of the lonliest, scariest, darkest hours of my life.

When a room was finally ready for me, they wheeled me through the NICU so I could see my baby finally and he was tiny and covered with wires and he held my pinky. But my visit was brief and I was wheeled off to my room.

No one knew how to treat me. My friends and co-workers didn't know whether to send me congratulations or condolences. People stopped calling. I was caught blindsided, like a deer in headlights, I didn't pay attention to anything NICU during my pregnancy and I went through the next few weeks in a fog. Feeling like a failure because my body didn't do its job quite right and feeling devastated that I had to go home without my baby.

When I got home and things finally settled in and I was home with my baby, I realized how many people are just like me. There were 50 babies in my NICU alone, and there are NICUs everywhere and new babies are coming in every day. Every hour. And it breaks my heart that each hour, there is at least one new mommy entering the scariest, loneliest hour of her life, probably right as I write this. And I cry for her.

I feel like I write about this all the time but honestly, I can't write about it enough, it is always in my heart and my mind and it consumes me. My pain is gone, but I feel the pain of others. I can't explain it. I want to stop this. I don't want another mother or baby to experience this ever. I know, that's a tall order. For now, I can set small goals.

When I was in the NICU, a group of women made quilts for all the babies including mine, and that quilt will always remain one of the most special items I own. I can't explain to you the overwhelming gratefulness I had in my heart when I found out someone was thinking of me during the loneliest time in my life.

When I got home, I started making calls to sponsors to help me make a NICU bag. For things that I thought were important in hindsight but would never have known at the time. Things like a journal, a frame to keep a picture of your baby in while you're away, a disposable camera that a nurse can use to take pictures of your baby while you're away, after all, they're getting some of the first moments that you can't see... A place to list phone numbers of doctors, specialists, hotels and restaurants in the vicinity since you spend your whole waking minutes there. The list goes on. I hit some roadblocks. The project was on hold.

This weekend I met some wonderful people whose goals are the same as mine. We stuffed our goody bags and no, they weren't exactly what I had envisioned, but it was close and it was a step. And I couldn't have felt more at peace and had more happiness that there was a mommy who would know that other mommies were thinking about them. Obviously this is something that will always be close to my heart and a cause that I will likely champion for the rest of my life.

(And by the way, there is still over a week left if you feel so compelled to donate anything (you can donate to paypal on my sidebar). You can e-mail me at christieo_7 at msn dot com if you want to send any babyshower items. We are also looking for more receiving blankets and sleepers, there are 4 hospitals that are having these showers so you can imagine, with 50-100 babies at each hospital, a room full of items can get pretty small pretty quickly. )

I am excited to be a part of all of this and I'm excited to have met such a wonderful group of women who want to continue doing things like this far past these baby showers. I do believe that I am meant to have met them and that my little project now has a hope of surviving. And thank you to anyone who has donated so far. I just can't tell you enough how much it means.

In My Glory

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2008/11/in-my-glory.html

Virtual Baby Shower Update

We got our first box of babystuff for the Virtual Baby Shower (thank you so much Angie!!) There's a ton of babyclothes and blankets, so sweet!!

A lot of you e-mailed me asking if there was a way to donate to mommies in the NICU without sending a giant box full of stuff, and yes! There is now!

There is a little "Donate" button on the side of my blog now, underneath the Virtual Baby Shower logo. If you have a Paypal account, you can donate to the shower. I will keep everyone posted on the exact amount that is donated and the day before everything must be in, I will go shopping for babystuff. Every penny received will be used for baby shower items. I will take a picture and list everything I've gotten on my blog for you to see. I will also take pictures of us assembling all the items and delivering them because I'm so excited to help mommies who are on this difficult journey!

Also, if you donate an amount and want it to go to something specific, please let me know in an e-mail, christieo_7 at msn dot com and I will get that specific item (as long as it's found at somewhere normal like Target, Wal-Mart, Babies R Us, etc, etc...)

Of course if you still want to send any actual baby items, please e-mail me right away!

Here is the original post again for the list of baby items requested and remember, this is all for the March of Dimes! I will make a shopping trip next Monday, November 10th so we can start delivering items on the 12th. However, we'll be delivering items for more than a week, so if you're a little late, one of the hospitals will still get your items and/or donation! Thank you again!!

Virtual Baby Shower Update

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2008/11/virtual-baby-shower-update.html

Virtual Baby Shower

NEW ARRIVAL! FOLLOW THE *DONATE* BUTTON ON MY SIDEBAR TO DONATE TO THE BABY SHOWER! And send me an e-mail if you want me to get something specific with it. All proceeds will go to procuring baby items for the shower!

I am very thankful in the month of November, not only because it's the month that my favorite holiday ever happens to fall in (Thanksgiving), but it's also a month where I like to write about something near and dear to my heart. Prematurity. November is Prematurity Awareness Month which I've been aware of since 2006, the year my first child was born.

It was a bitter-sweet year for me because my beautiful baby was born, but he was born early, something I never had even considered, and when it happened, completely blindsided me. I didn't know what to do. I was a deer in headlights. I was in a constant state of crying-panic-motherhen-robot-ness and I don't think in hindsight it is something I ever could've prepared for. No class, no book can prepare a mother for this. The feeling of being away from your baby, not being able to hold your baby, not being able to help your baby except to be there and even then, there are visiting hours. It is utter torment. And I had it easier than most. Mine came at 34 weeks and he spent only two weeks in the NICU. My dear friend Jennifer's baby came at 30 weeks and their ride was much tougher and longer. I'm proud to say though that both of our babies are healthy and wonderful now.

But here's why this post is coming in October instead of November. We want to help other mommies. Mommies who are standing beside their babies' little incubators right at this moment now. Who are crying. Who haven't had their baby showers yet. Whose happy birthmoments have turned into scary life-trials. Every day they go home without their babies, they return to work with their babies in the hospital, they stay at the hospital for hours or days on end praying and crying and hoping that their babies will be home soon. The March of Dimes in our area is throwing them a baby shower and I'm wondering if you'll help me.

They need things like: Onesies, Hats, Booties, Socks, Bibs, Receiving Blankets, Burping Cloths, Bottles, Nipples, Bottle Brushes, Bathtubs, Washcloths, Towels, Nail clippers, Brushes, Combs, Baby Shampoo, Baby Soap, Cotton Swabs, Strollers, Car Seats, Baby on Board Stickers, Thermometers, Crib Sheets, Pacifiers, Lotions, Diaper Rash Creams, Hand Sanitizers, Car Sun Shades, and Journals. Anything baby, really.

Canyou-willyou-couldyou-wouldyou send in some babystuffs? Please let me know if you're interested in donating one item, or ten, anything that would help. You can send me an e-mail at christieo_7 at msn dot com. Or if you want to link to this and see if any of your readers would be willing to help that would be wonderful too! I will send you my mailing address and collect items here at my house for donation. They are planning to disburse the items November 12-24th, so you can send items anytime and/or right away!

And please, while you're here, sign this petition to tell our legislators to act now on the issue of prematurity! I know too many wonderful women and babies who are being faced with prematurity, and for unknown reasons, it has reached epidemic proportions! So please sign this petition below and please e-mail me if you want to send families some much-needed support!

Thank you bloggers!

Virtual Baby Shower

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2008/10/virtual-baby-shower.html

The "Me" in "Meetup".

Well, I have done it. I've officially joined a meetup group. I haven't been to a meetup meeting of this group yet. But I will tomorrow and I'm nervous.

You see, I am not really the "meetup" type of gal.

I've discovered this about myself after having Poops. Lots of moms join these groups when they begin their journeys staying at home. Moms groups, meetup groups, play dates...
It all sounds so nice and social and fun and frilly. It really does. And when I read about them online and even go as far as setting up a profile and contacting the organizer, why is it that I let my free membership run out and completely balk at attending any of the functions? Without fail.

I don't know why. It used to be that I was insecure as a new mom. Like I had my "Hi! My name is NEW MOM and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing" name tag on. I didn't have a view on discipline and organic food and potty training and education and diapering and medicines and all of that. And I worried about not being a member of the "cool" mom club because I had no idea what I was doing and I worried that my identity crisis may be showing.

Then, there was (and is) the fear of saying something stupid. I don't know where it went, but my social skills need sharpening. (Maybe a meetup would have helped me here, yes, I see the irony.)

Even in softball where I joined a group of complete strangers, I'm pretty quiet. We're four games in and I only just found out that none of these people know each other from work at all like I had previously thought. And since they all know each other from playing together forever, they rarely ask me questions about myself so I have to dig and I'm not the digging type (unless I'm conducting an interview or at a press conference where it warrants such). But that's ok, because it's softball, and you're busy doing things. It's not like you're sitting at a mall or playground with people staring at you thinking, "God why isn't she talking!" And there's awkward silence there. Because you're running or hitting or fielding or catching and there's something to fill up the awkward spaces. That's my type of meetup.

Maybe there's something I dread about standing up in front of a group of girls and saying, "Hi, I'm Christie.. and I'm a blah blah blahdy blah and I have two kids blah blah and blah." Because, honestly? You've read all about my reliving-my-youth-how-on-earth-did-I-get-this-old-identity crises here. I'm in the middle of my re-invention! I don't know who I am right now! There's something about journalism in here, I've heard something about being a stay at home mom, I do have a minivan after all that has two carseats in it...I like to think there's some athleticism in here somewhere, I'm ruffling around and finding a wife in here too, maybe even someone who likes to go out and have fun dancing, drinking tea, making jewelry and being a friend, sister, daughter? Or something? But you don't say that stuff in your intro..

So. I really am not sure what to even say at that original stand-up-introduction-thing. Because I know exactly who I was before I had kids, I am working on who I am with kids, but I still don't have a working title-description of myself because I don't think "Stay at home mom" accurately describes it. Not that there's anything wrong with that stand-alone title. Maybe I just don't want a title, ok? Can I just remain title-less for now? Why do we need titles and labels anyway? And since we wear so many hats as women anyway, why do we pick just one title to describe us? And what is the process for choosing that one title above all the others?

It suddenly occurred to me that I may be overthinking things.

The great thing about this particular meetup group is that it is for preemie moms. And I know a little something about that. A dear friend of mine who also had a preemie (30 weeks) found this group and joined it and told me about it. She is totally the meetup type. And I'm glad she'll be there because I don't think I'd have the nerve to fly solo. I'd probably decide last minute not to go like I do every other time.

The funny thing is, during all my self-reflection (with help of blogging), I have come to terms with the "hows" and the "whys" of my having a preemie and I have since healed from the whole scary thing, (having an almost 41-weeker has helped me with that too); so why do I feel the need for a meetup group about it right now?

My husband mentioned this very thing to me in an aside and I realized that mommies and daddies have completely different perceptions and views on the subject. I believe that if you've had a preemie you are always "a preemie mom" (again, why the label? I don't know). Maybe because it is a word that describes an unspeakably scary experience for everyone involved. And while you've gained a million zillion good things out of it (like your baby), you always feel some sense of loss with a pregnancy that ended too early. And guilt. And all of that.

But you see, husbands, (or at least mine), they are able to see the black-and-white of it. Yes, he was born early, but he is healthy now so it's over. Period. End of story. And that's a great point. Because you very rarely hear about someone describing themselves as a "preemie dad". If anyone's doing the describing, it's likely a wife talking about her husband. Because a man just doesn't call himself that. At least my man doesn't.

So then I thought what a wonderful thing this meetup group is. Because even husbands, who are physically there with you while you have this little baby (early) and while you're furiously pumping to try and feed your baby while away from him/her, and when you're going through mental breakdowns because you don't know why your baby came early and you're not allowed to care for him/her yourself or even hold or feed him/her, even he doesn't get the whole scope of it. Simply because it isn't his body. He's watching someone else's body go through all these hormonal, leaky, internal-thinking-nesses. So mommies truly need the support of other mommies who have been there. Because they get it. And some of these mommies in this group still have babies in the NICU right at this very moment. And to that I say HOLY GOODNESS, kudos to them for being able to meet up at all!! Because I never would have been to at that time in my life. (I didn't!) And that is a "strong" I wish I had then. I will remember to tell them that when I go.

Now suddenly my little social vulnerabilities don't seem so important when I type that all out and I think that's why I joined this one. It's somehow easier for me to join a meetup where you have just a little more than "mom" in common. I'll let you know tomorrow what I've come up with for my intro.

The "Me" in "Meetup".

https://babytealeaves.blogspot.com/2008/08/me-in-meetup.html